And We're Still Here.

My little sister cried today over the life of one of our older siblings. She was so sad for her, and I understood her concern, but I had to let her know that she chose the lifestyle she is living.

It's hard for me to be sad for someone who is aware of their miserable state, yet chooses to remain the same. Change can catapult our lives at lightning speeds to places we would never dream of going. I like that now. The heart can change, the mind can definitely change, attitudes change, time changes youthful looks, distance(emotional and physical) weakens bonds, nothing is saved from change. I accept that now.

Today I sat and watched my family be together. I sat under the beautiful tree in my backyard, whose flowers had bloomed...the small soft pink petals floated abundantly, and gracefully into the atmosphere and I felt so content, and thankful for the people in my life. My brothers and nieces and nephews played badminton, everyone was eating, laughing, sharing stories. And while I have always known and loved the idea of family, I thought about what it takes to keep one.

I wouldn't say that my parents are in love. They are, however, strong, and selfless. The way they have sacrificed themselves for our well-being is breath-taking.

This made me think about marriage.

These days I am purposely focusing on everything but love, and my world feels so much lighter. And the thought of marriage seemed so different to me in this context.

I looked at my parents, and at my siblings and their marriages and these people have stuck with one another through hell. Really, the things we do to the ones we truly care for can be borderline atrocious at times. But they held fast to one another, these people.

Marriage is forgiveness. Marriage is continuing that fight for something you believe in, even when you are wronged, even when you commit wrong against those you love. I do want to be married someday, and I'm glad I learned this lesson now, otherwise, that partnership would have been tumultuous and tiring.

The line is thin between being forgiving and being a doormat, but the heart always knows which is which, and the mind never lets it forget that.

I was once idiotically unforgiving. I have recently put into practice a new mode of thought in my relationships, and I find that it strengthens them. I am fragile as hell when I love people, so that is why I was so unforgiving, but now I'm trying to love my friends and family with no boundaries. I'm still fragile, but I'd rather feel them all the way. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

Marriage is forgiveness, it is friendship, partnership, understanding, open, free, non-restrictive, comfortable, home, always willing to grow, persistent, wise because it learns from mistakes, accepting.

I learned more about marriage and partnerships than I had previously thought from my siblings and my parents, and watching them today brought to mind a very beautiful song by Alanis Morissette called Everything.
And someday someone will get that song from me and he will understand what I think about our marriage, what I think about him, and he will be trusting of me, and never lose faith in me, and that will be the start of the family I will one day have. If it is anything like the beautiful family my parents built, I will be so blessed...and they're still here =)

EVERYTHING
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind.
I can withhold like it’s going out of style.
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone who
is as negative as I am sometimes.

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.

What I resist persists, and speaks louder than I know.
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.
I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known.
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed-
There's not anything to which you can’t relate,
And you’re still here
And you’re still here
And you're still here...

ScatteredTrees

My buddy Ryne from Loyola is in a FABULOUS band called ScatteredTrees. They have one of their songs, "Sparrow" featured on Starbucks' Off The Clock album, and if they get enough votes, their music will be featured in Starbucks' next compilation album among big-name artists. Sparrow happens to be my FAVORITE song by Ryne's band, and Ryne also happens to be a beautiful person, inside and out, so please help him and the guys win the contest!! Theirs is the first track on the listing.

PLEASE vote for them at the following website:
http://hearmusic.com/#OFF_THE_CLOCK

Music I'm Living -The April Edition-

And Here They Are, Listed In The Order of Their Importance:

Number One:
Let Go by Frou Frou. I think she's singing it to me, and I'm listening.

Number Two:
Read My Mind by The Killers. I listen to it everyday on the expressway and sing along with the Killers and I am starting to see the stars the way this song says again, and Ohhhh the energy in this tune is intense!

Number Three:
Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars. Jenel Isaias, I miss you at work, thank you for this therapeutic, amazingly composed song. It caught my attention from the very first sounds that it made. "When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire..."

Number Four:
Wheel by John Mayer. The ending of anything makes sense to me through these lyrics.

Number Five:
Ode to Divorce by Regina Spektor. This one is the least important. This one is weird, and doesn't fit me all the way, but I play it often these days, very often, mostly for the beginning and the way it's just dramatic enough. It captures me when my mind is idle.

Take Me Back There

Smells and Sounds and the Wind.

They connect me to so many things.

A guitar rift can make me tear up within seconds, and I'm there again.

The smell of a summer evening, with a breeze that makes it feel like it wants to embrace you...that kills me.

The thought of lake Michigan, and how it smells in early June, and I'm connected.

Coldplay's Til Kingdom Comes is such a powerful song to me. Only one other person knows why. I saw them play that live at their concert and I cried and cried and cried right there as I clung tightly to the person I was with because of how much those words in that song really mean everything to my heart. (it still makes me cry.)

Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous takes me back just a few months, when I felt God sent me an angel in a woman who helped me to rebuild myself. I would love for her to hear it someday.

Wayne Wonder's No Letting Go reminds me of the summer of 2003 when I branched out of my little shell and partied with an amazing group of friends.

Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing reminds me of my first puppy love.

Monica's For You I Will reminds me of my cousin and how we thought that replacing "I will cross the ocean for you" with "I will piss an ocean for you" surely displayed more love.

Fergie's Fergalicious brings to mind a new friend that I wish all the best for.

Madonna's Like a Prayer (the remix) instantly makes me happy and dance-y and smiley at the thought of one of the most high-spirited, unforgettable guy I have ever met. Soon he will be in Chicago again for good, and I will be one very very busy gal on the weekends :) Well, more than I am now.

Dido's Take My Hand. I gave it to someone once as a gift. That's the last time it will ever be given out to anyone.

Pedro Infante's Amorcito Corazon takes me back to when I was 3, with a little lisp, and a boyish hair-cut.

Bright Eyes' First Day of My Life takes me back to April 2005 when I hoped to one day feel like this song said.

Sia's Breathe Me- Fall 2006, everyone was sad it seemed.

I could go on. Really, I could go on for hours with songs that remind me of exact minutes and riding in the car alone, or with somebody, or a season, or a year! I could go on. But I won't.

Memories fade.

That is not in question.

But when they're not supposed to, there will almost always be something that won't let you...like a guitar rift.

A Good Pal Celebrates A Year of Life.

So I have been thinking about friendships lately and I came to appreciate the way time works...well a little. I get impatient, and disheartened by it most of the time, but that's another story.

I have written about Lisa on this blog several times before, and how we stopped being friends, and how much it hurt because we were like sisters, and bla bla bla.

Well, God brought her back into my life and I feel a different connection with her now than before. It's more real now. I love that girl to pieces, and I regret the time we drifted, but we are friends for good now, and I appreciate the 2nd chances life gives us, even when we don't know we need or want them.

Anyway, Raul is Lisa's boyfriend, and they have been together damn near 6 years now, and his birthday was this past Saturday. That kid has a heart of gold and I am also proud to call him a friend of mine. Throughout the time that Lisa and I weren't speaking, he kind of gently held it together, letting both of us know that we were silly for not being friends, and that the door was always open to enter and patch things up.

So, needless to say, I was completely happy to celebrate his birthday with him, as well as take his first alcoholic drink with him, EVER.
Cheers buddy, I hope to celebrate many more years of your life with you and Lisa.

For the readers, enjoy these pictures of Saturday's celebration....

small doses

One of life's cruelest (that a word?) tricks is when you don't know it's the last time you'll see a person when it's happening. That cruel trick is followed closely by the human capacity to remember things, especially when you don't expect to have those moments of stillness. I hate when that happens. I hate when I realize the things that have been whirling around me are doing just that, whirling- not landing, settling.

I am particularly good at cutting people off as far as they are concerned, but I am unskilled at doing that behind closed doors. I ache. I pine. I let myself believe the world is colorless for a minute. I wonder. I tear up. I shake it off. I pause, take a breath, and hope it's all for the greater good that these things happen. And when it's all over, it's clear how all my life, I have had to train myself to let go of people in small doses, all while they are blind to this seemingly cathartic routine of mine. I break myself up to rebuild, and ooooooh why do I do this to myself?

And I hate to ask this because I know I don't mean it permanently, but what is the point in that excitement...that attachment? Sure there's the mickey-mouse side of it- that whole, well you learned a whole lot about yourself, you changed, this is where it was meant to go, etc, but that doesn't cover the aftermath. That doesn't tell you what do in-between the lines. That doesn't make it feel any better when it's all gone, when you feel like "FUCK THIS SHOULD HAVE WORKED!"

And you know everyone is right, and so is your inner-voice, it's gone. It is for the better. This is where it ends, and you did learn things you never knew you needed to learn. But a night like this one...it's good at making you forget that.

And I'm not bitter at those who are gone, I am bitter at the way life tricks me sometimes into thinking I can finally settle in and breathe comfortably. I want that to be true already. I want, no, I need some sort of constancy and soon...

I wish my parents would come home already. I miss them terribly. The house feels so different without them. Their spirits are irreplaceable.
Easter was completely....lonely without them. It was sad this year. It was not what it should have been, and I got a taste of what it's like to be without family due to drifting. It felt like a punch in the gut, but...bear with me, it was like...a strengthening blow to the gut. Like, it was saying to me: when you leave to California, you will be without them, and all things that are familiar to you, taste it, get used to it. Naturally, due to that, I got over that lonely feeling, and spent the rest of the night with the family that I did have near. Jac and Jess are fabulous company :)

My friends have been so amazing to me, especially Derfy, Jew, Kate, Ed, and Dave. I love being around them, they never let me forget what a bright world this is. They keep me laughing. They have lunch, dinner, and drinks with me. They ask me how I'm doing, and they listen for the answer. They play Mario Brothers with me. They dance with me. They come to me with their problems because they know they can. They seek out my company, and I seek out theirs. They text me and call me and let me know they're there. They are like angels to me right now, and I thank God for knowing I need them the way I do right now. I am sending bundles of love to you right now, dear friends. May you always be surrounded by good things.

Woah Momma!

I'm in charge of my house until my parents return. My maternal instincts are heightened, and I seem to slip into that role so easily. I love that- but I don't quite think my little sister does, but that's ok, she needs a little firmness.

Mom and dad went on a trip to get away and relax. I found it odd that they took precautions prior to taking this trip that they had never quite taken before. They added my name to the bank account and put me in charge of everything, if anything should happen to them. They are driving, and I won't lie, they have me a little worried.

They said extra heartfelt goodbyes and it was just out of the ordinary. I'm praying that they have a safe journey and come back full of stories like they always do.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I came home from work to hear that Jaclyn, my sister's 2 month old, was not feeling too well. A rectal thermometer later, she's sound asleep and feeling better.

Tonight- a family member of mine opened up to me and told me things I NEVER knew about her. Things she was afflicted with, that I guess I may have been to consumed in my own life to notice. It's a shame when we miss those things that we should pick up on. I honestly felt shame. I thanked her for sharing those parts of her life with me and asked her to remember she could share those things with me and never be judged.

Why do we miss the obvious sometimes? What is it about the hidden pain of others that is so easy to gloss over?

I have been going out, celebrating life more and more these days, and at the end of the day, I feel movement. An old group of very good friends made a surprise visit tonight and we rehashed about all the things in life that made us smile once.

I don't know- it seems that we forget to live sometimes. I try my best not to do that. I try to keep myself on my toes :)

My friend and I were kicked out of a gay bar last night. We were with Gus and his friend Juan because they're in from Texas. Two straighties were kicked out of a gay bar and I never laughed SO hard. I had so much fun being with them. My friend had never been to a gay bar and he ended up having the time of his life. It's hard not to around Gus. I did not come home last night and it was fine with my parents. I made it in time to see them off. They recognized me as someone that is in control of herself and man was that gratifying. FINALLY!!

And tonight my head is a jungle. In no particular order, I have been thinking intensely about my parents' journey, Jaclyn, my sister Jess and how I hope she pulls it all together, my friends (who are like sunshine in my life lately,) the family member who opened up to me and asked for my support...My head is a jungle, but my heart beats steady because it's wiser now.

And now- I sorely need sleep. Off I go to dream of what I dreamed last night, hopefully. I slept like a baby and my dreams were so sweet. The winds are howling right now, and its a tad eerie, but I'm so tired it really doesn't make a difference what the wind does. My girls and I are safe within four walls, where we are blessed to know what real love is.

You'll Never Feel the Heat of This Soul

You know I have had some time to think and I'm thinking that maybe when people leave your life it's for the best. And it doesn't always have to be permanent- God brings people together for different reasons, at odd times, but He can take them away just the same- and now I see that's not always a bad thing. Freddy and I were talking today, and he said it's never good to burn bridges. I said that with some people, you have to...but I think I had to hear him say that in order to see how foolish I've been to burn some bridges in my life.

It's never the same to come across those old bridges again, sometimes
it's strong, sometimes it's scary, sometimes...you wish you'd burnt them afterall...

I'm starting to see all the ways in which certain people may not be good to have around afterall. When you're growing and changing, the last thing you need are people who make you feel small, inadequate. I am more than they will ever know because they gave up on me and you know what, maybe it's better that way because the people who gave a shit enough to stick around will get to see me shine, and that's the way it should be. I know those people don't really hear me anyway.

"I have wandered far and wide for something real, something to die for.
But I have found you, and you do not see all that is me, all that is true.
And I am more than you will see, I am more than you will need, I am more than you will see, more than wanted, more than you'll love, more than you'll hate, more than you'll hold, more than wanted, more than you'll crave, more than you'll cherish, more than you'll have, more than wanted." (I thought lyrics from Vanessa Carlton's 'wanted' were fitting.)

So- even if I'm not "reliable" enough in your eyes to get my own life together, then you never really knew me at all. You don't know my heart, you don't know the root of my fears, and you certainly don't know my desire to burn brightly- a desire that no one can put out.

I thought about what a blow it was to hear you say that because my life is not where it should be, you can use that as a measure to prognosticate what I would be to you in the future, and if you can sit there and do that, then you're right, it is done for now. I am not burning any bridges with you because I love you, but I'm also not going to stay in a place where someone thinks so little of me.

Farewell for now, to those of you who think I'm not good enough. I wouldn't dare to try and prove what I am or am not to change your mind of me. I will see you if and when the good Lord thinks I should- no bridges burnt.

QOTD
"Thank goodness paleness is only a phase."
-Fred-

"Heeeeey it's UIC! Let's stop and have some classes!"
-Jew, drunk at 4a.m.-

"Your momma's a bitch for having you."
-Tamara-