small doses

One of life's cruelest (that a word?) tricks is when you don't know it's the last time you'll see a person when it's happening. That cruel trick is followed closely by the human capacity to remember things, especially when you don't expect to have those moments of stillness. I hate when that happens. I hate when I realize the things that have been whirling around me are doing just that, whirling- not landing, settling.

I am particularly good at cutting people off as far as they are concerned, but I am unskilled at doing that behind closed doors. I ache. I pine. I let myself believe the world is colorless for a minute. I wonder. I tear up. I shake it off. I pause, take a breath, and hope it's all for the greater good that these things happen. And when it's all over, it's clear how all my life, I have had to train myself to let go of people in small doses, all while they are blind to this seemingly cathartic routine of mine. I break myself up to rebuild, and ooooooh why do I do this to myself?

And I hate to ask this because I know I don't mean it permanently, but what is the point in that excitement...that attachment? Sure there's the mickey-mouse side of it- that whole, well you learned a whole lot about yourself, you changed, this is where it was meant to go, etc, but that doesn't cover the aftermath. That doesn't tell you what do in-between the lines. That doesn't make it feel any better when it's all gone, when you feel like "FUCK THIS SHOULD HAVE WORKED!"

And you know everyone is right, and so is your inner-voice, it's gone. It is for the better. This is where it ends, and you did learn things you never knew you needed to learn. But a night like this one...it's good at making you forget that.

And I'm not bitter at those who are gone, I am bitter at the way life tricks me sometimes into thinking I can finally settle in and breathe comfortably. I want that to be true already. I want, no, I need some sort of constancy and soon...

I wish my parents would come home already. I miss them terribly. The house feels so different without them. Their spirits are irreplaceable.
Easter was completely....lonely without them. It was sad this year. It was not what it should have been, and I got a taste of what it's like to be without family due to drifting. It felt like a punch in the gut, but...bear with me, it was like...a strengthening blow to the gut. Like, it was saying to me: when you leave to California, you will be without them, and all things that are familiar to you, taste it, get used to it. Naturally, due to that, I got over that lonely feeling, and spent the rest of the night with the family that I did have near. Jac and Jess are fabulous company :)

My friends have been so amazing to me, especially Derfy, Jew, Kate, Ed, and Dave. I love being around them, they never let me forget what a bright world this is. They keep me laughing. They have lunch, dinner, and drinks with me. They ask me how I'm doing, and they listen for the answer. They play Mario Brothers with me. They dance with me. They come to me with their problems because they know they can. They seek out my company, and I seek out theirs. They text me and call me and let me know they're there. They are like angels to me right now, and I thank God for knowing I need them the way I do right now. I am sending bundles of love to you right now, dear friends. May you always be surrounded by good things.