"Dear Female Heart"

Dave says we're all crazy. I try so hard to negate him on that, but nothing is ever enough to change his mind. Maybe that's for a reason, maybe I have something to learn from that.

I wonder about the kind of woman that will make him say otherwise. I wonder what she's like, and what it'll be about her that makes him say she's worth it. He says that right now, he wants to do what he wants to do and that a girlfriend would only be a pesky distraction- that she'd call him to talk about what kinds of shoes she saw at the mall, that she'd call him crying for no reason and that he wouldn't know what to do about it. And all the while, I'm thinking....that's what you say now. That is until I realize the obvious- He is a man. He has no reason to lie to me and he could only be honest with me cause I'm like his sister. But oh the things he told me about what many men think about women, and how primal it all is really would've left me hopeless had I not already been exposed to that mode of thought growing up with 4 brothers. I knew better than to believe him all the way.

What do women want? How do women function? Why the massive emotions? Sometimes, I wish I could be more stoic for my own sake. Sometimes...oh sometimes I wish I could just not give a damn about every little thing cause Dave says that us women, we let our emotions get the best of us, and he's right. Because of that, because everything is so goddam emotional, we suffer. I'm not talking about just romance either, I'm talking the whole shebang. Family, we suffer. Work, we suffer. Friends, we suffer. What the hell?

I wonder about women and what one can consider- what I would consider a good woman, a good wife, a good mother/sister/aunt/niece/girlfriend etc. Why does Dave say most women are pains in the ass? I don't believe all women are (many really truly are, though) but as he spoke and I listened, I began to validate his perspective and I couldn't help but think...man...he's got a point. Maybe this is why I can't keep a female "best friend." GOD I HATE THE TERM BEST FRIEND. Maybe to some degree, women can't even stand each other. How fucked up is that if that's the case?

This only made me yearn for more strength. I don't want to be that needy little girl. I want to be a pillar. I don't want to be that 7th daughter that everyone expects perfection out of, I want to be treated like I am 22 and responsible, because I am. What makes a good woman? What does it take to come out of catastrophes, heartaches, rifts and tumults and only be better for it? There's this one poem that I always tell myself to remember when I feel like shit, but I never do. It's dead on, man.

DEAR FEMALE HEART
By: Steve Smith

Dear female heart, I am sorry for you.
You must suffer, that is all you can do.
But if you like, in common with the rest of the human race,
You may also look most absurd with a miserable face.

It's short, but it's dead on. Personally speaking, sometimes I wonder about my heart. Two years ago, one of my coworkers once told me (this is translated from Spanish) "Oh Jenny, you know what your problem is? Your little heart, you have the heart of a chicken." lol...what she told me that meant was that my heart was so full, but that it was so malleable because all I could ever do was love. She made me out to sound vulnerable, and I hated it.

But when my heart loves, that bitch loves HARD and you won't ever see me so protective over anyone that I don't love. I can't help but love people all the way. I am very all or nothing and I'll be the first to admit it. If you're not gonna do something 100%, then why the hell bother to do it at all? I once started a family fued protecting someone that I loved. But does this make me a weak woman? Or does this make me a good family member?
This is not so much a question of myself as it is a general curiosity about the female race. I wonder about us.
My conclusion? I conclude that all it takes is thorough self discovery and mastery of fear. I met a Zen master for a reason this summer.

One last poem to drive the point home. It's short, don't worry.

This one's by Maria Wine, it's called Woman, you are afraid of the Forest:

Woman, you are afraid of the forest-
I see it in your eyes when you stare into the darkness:
The terrified look of a defenceless creature

Woman, you are a forest strange and deep:
I see you are afraid of yourself.

But, as Dr. Sutter told me on Wednesday as I walked out of her office: "Ok, no more fears!"
Granted, she was talking about my terror of statistics, but it's a fear nonetheless and it's JUST what I was talking about in this blog. Man, fuck the po-lice. Wait- no, screw them too!
But, screw fear even more. Fear is meant to be mastered and there was my lesson.

QOTD
"It doesn't always come back to money, Nen. As long as we can laugh...we're already millionaires."
-David-

Not the scissors!!!

Since yesterday, I've had a very unsettling feeling. I'm not really one to have premonitions, but it's that kind of doomish feeling, like something is about to go terribly wrong.
I hope I'm the one that's wrong. I hope it's my mind playing tricks on me.

I couldn't focus today during one of my favorite classes. I feel so nervous and there's no reason for it.

My mother went scissor crazy on my hair this morning. After we went to Sam's Club at the crack of dawn, I dropped her off at the shop and she decided my hair needed to be thinned out some more. I did not protest, and I stopped paying attention. BIG MISTAKE.

Because I am her daughter, she think of my head as a big ol experiment, so she just goes with it sometimes. So my hair is short (shorter than before) and I am sad cause now my neck must suffer through a cruel winter. I'm not crazy about the style either, but that could just be bc I haven't run a flat iron through it yet. Ask any woman or any gay (or metrosexual) man and they will tell you the importance of a flat iron.

On my way up to one of my classes today, I overheard some tool use the word "ricockulous" and try to get away with it. You could tell he was just testing the word out 'cause it sounded so idiotic coming out of his mouth. In fact, no one should ever use that word if they want to avoid sounding like total tools.

Holy crackers I need to go lay down.

They Don't Mean That Much To Me Right Now

I found some poetry that I wrote last year and it was so grim I couldn't believe the contrast to where I am now. Polar opposite.

Let me ask you something-
When it comes to friendships that you had hoped to maintain, but just couldn't, when do you (how do you) know when to let things be? I have a problem with not confronting conflicts with friends and family when they arise for fear of that friction that follows...you know...that nasty pit in your stomach that signals that there could be a horrible fight. I have to stop believing in the what-if factor, it really sets me back with people.

I'm having a hard time letting go of a friendship that meant so very much to me. Some would say that I made the choice to let it go a year ago when I did not adress the problem that arose, but I was soooo scared, that instead, I did nothing but let everything fade, including the friendship. I have not talked to this person in a bit over a year. I was told that if anything, it should be easier to come to those you're already close to if you have beef with them cause they already love you and sometimes they just don't have the courage to say anything themselves.

For almost a year now, I've been getting tossed back and forth between sadness, regret, bitterness, anger and so forth, and now, I realize that that only happens cause I don't have any answers. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED according to that friend. I know what happened according to me...but what does she think?

Why the fuck is it so hard for women to be friends sometimes? Why can't there be established a sisterly bond as easily as men establish a fraternal link with one another? I don't consider myself catty; I crave more quality female frienships. I appreciate the female friends I have, don't misread my pee, (Simpsons allusion for those of you who are cool.) But, is it wrong for me to crave more closeness?

QOTD
"Cats like it when you talk sexy to them."
-Edgar-

ME: Shut up!! ::giggle::
EDGAR: Do you want me to look sexy while I'm shutting up?

"I can't talk....let me close this door here- sometimes I can't talk."
-Fr. Costigan-

"Yeah, but Edgar gets to keep you forever."
-Liz-

"Yeah, I didn't expect one of your NON-ME friends to be that cool. Nice job!"
-Juan-

"Oh, to be that guitar..."
-Lilly being perverted about John Mayer-

LMAO!!! NUFF SAID!!!

My friends are retarded.

My boyfriend is no longer mistaken for a white boy now that he got some sun. Look how adorable he is!! Except you, Oliver, you keep your Asian eyes to yourself!!

The caption could go sooo many ways for this picture. I should have a contest.

Picture from our recent trip to Douglas, Michigan

"TREMENDOUS!"

A big ol FU*K YOU and damnation to hell goes out to the animals that mugged my love. May you get killer lice, I hope you NEVER have children (what a shame that would be) and I hope you die a slow painful death.

Last day at the wreck known as the Olive Garden was on Saturday. Oh Olive Garden- the place where cheap trash bring their friends, families, and lovers and think they're taking them someplace nice. I will miss most of the people that worked with me though. They got me a little card and they wrote sweet messages in it. God bless them for subjecting themselves to such hell. Lord knows I did it for 3.5 years.

Friday night at work, I got hit on by a guy at one of my tables. It was a funny thing, really. He nervously asked me (while his mother stood 4 ft away) if he could give me a call sometime. I politely rejected the request. I think there is an air of confidence that people have when they're in a relationship that just gleams; in contrast (I'm speaking for myself) I've noticed that when you actually want a relationship but can't get a decent one to save baby monkeys, your confidence is not so vibrant and it shows. This can also be the case when you're messed up from a bad relationship or a relationship that ended bad. Confidence levels plummet. And I don't know anyone that likes to be with an insecure, indecisive assclown boy/girlfriend. Lucky for me, Edgar is not insecure, indecisive, OR an assclown.

Also, lucky for me that the man can cook. He made me a beautiful breakfast of cinammon pancakes, toast, and these rockstar eggs with onions, tomatos, and green peppers!

My mother's birthday was a good time. We went to the hood to a restaurant called Mi Tierra. Being in the hood only makes me so happy that my mother took us outta there.

Read below to see the wonderful idiosyncracies of Father Costigan. I want to be like him! He's the Toby Dye of this semester. Toby Dye was hands down my favorite prof. at Loyola just cause he wore tye dye shirts and swore in class when the computers froze up. At any rate, I think I'm gonna start saying "tremendous" when I like something- just cause Father C. sounds so cool saying it.

QOTD
"Pa-ra-meee-cium? Must be some kind of virus."
-Father Costigan- (after reading a sticker on Ian's notebook. no biology for theology majors back in 1893, huh, Father?)

"I need to learn how to stop holding hands cause in a couple of years, I'm gonna be allowed to walk home from school by myself."
-Alexis- (on hand holding while crossing the street)

"Thanks for fanning the flames of hatred."
-Juan- (after hearing about Edgar's mugging)

"You always stump my creativity!"
-Lilly-

"I'll stab a nig*er tomorrow for Edgar.....I better stab four, just in case."
-Juan-

"That's just exaggeration! You're just like George Bush- you know, with the hating black people and everything."
-Lilly-

Father Costigan, You Rock.

Fu*k yeah, the fall is coming. However, my hopes of having a yellow-red-gold-and-orange scenic fall have been crushed by the cold hard truth that we had very little rain this summer, thus, the leaves are just gonna fall and be colorless. That makes me yearn for hot chocolate and cookies- don't ask why.

I totally saw Art Norman the other day outside of the NBC tower. He was talking to two A for Asians. His voice carried like a mo-fo, you could tell he was a news reporter even in everyday conversation. I wonder how annoying that is for his friends and family- for him to talk to them as if he's delivering ground-breaking news every time.

Lolo came to visit me at school yesterday. We ate at the buffet at Carmen's and we ate A LOT. Yes, their food DOES suck, but when you're hungry, anything is tasty.

Got to school late today. The frackin trains kept stopping every five minutes, and then I'd hear those stupid beeps, followed by that voice you love to hate "we are experiencing equipment difficulties. the conductor is off of the train. we regret the delay- we will be moving shortly."
And I think to myself "MOTHER F-ER." Sho nuff, I got to school to late to not be embarrassed when I walked through the door. So, to save face, I came to the computer lab, printed out some documents I needed for class, and am now blogging. Student of the year, everyone, student of the year.

LMAO OMG yesterday, I had my Christian thought class. The teacher, Father Costigan, is like 1,000 years old but he is cool as hell. I wore my Incubus t-shirt to school yesterday and I'm so glad I did. As he was beginning to lecture on Gnosticism, I noticed his gaze drift to my t-shirt (don't be pervs) and all of a sudden he goes "In-cubus ey?"
I could not contain my laughter and neither could the rest of the class. He asked me if I knew what Incubus meant then went on to give a detailed explanation about the Incubus and the Succubus and how one's on the bottom and the other is always on top. Then I was like, "It's my favorite band" to which he replied "OH IT'S A BAND?!" lololol Father Costigan, you rock!

Insert Happy Birthdays Here:
Happy Birthday Haley!!!! (9/13)
Happy Birthday Cindy and Sandy!!! (9/14)
Happy Birthday Momma!!! (9/18)

Ok, I'm gonna go buy some peanut butter cookies, cheetos, and a coke from the vending machine. Toodles.

QOTD
"Anybody have any thoughts about it? Really- I don't have any thoughts about it."
-Father Costigan- (on a handout he gave us)

A Bit About Allison the Amazing Ass Grabber

There's a new song by Staind that completely rocks my globe. It had been a while since I had heard anything from them, but I've always enjoyed their music.

Been babysitting my nieces bc my sister is in the hospital. Motherdom (i do believe i've just made up a word) is difficult! (I didn't want to use the word motherhood bc it's "unamusing.") I hope you are ready, Sherly!
p.s. to my readers, Sherly has decided to name her baby (who is due to be born on MY birthday [12-22] Samantha. If you think she should really be naming the baby Nenninator in my honor, leave obnoxious comments in the comment section telling her how cool of a name Nenninator is. I'll also take Nen-Thrax (courtesy of OJ), Nentendo (courtesy of Liz), Nenners (courtesy of Lolo), Nensicle, and especially Nenliet (courtesy of Kate.)

**Allison, thank you for your comment. I miss you. No one can grab my ass the way you do, not even Edgar. (just kidding baby, I'm just telling her that so she'll call me.) ;p Allison, don't read the sentence within the parentheses.**

People whose sodium levels are low are hella funny.

Dave Reiter, I am publically apologizing to you for forgetting to bring you that soup. I really do feel horrible about it. YOU FORGIVE NOW! Oh wait, you're one of my white friends, I have yet to address my Asian friends. I take that Asian-like demand for forgiveness back.

Why is it so damn fun to rip on Asians? It's so fun, even Asians do it!

Would the people who are trying to advertise soap, blogs, and other semi-useless (with the exception of soap, of course) items stop leaving your dumbass comments on my blog! That right is reserved for cool people. And if you're not cool, I don't even care about you.

These are my late-night, sleep-deprived, stressed out ramblings. I hope you've been amused at my expense. SHIT, you BETTER be, I'm up extra late writing this for you. Not only should you be amused, you should be paying me. Kidding! No I'm not.

QOTD
"What?! That's MY illness!"
-Lilly being territorial about Pericarditis.-

"What if in Titanic, the girl's name was Mendez? Never let go, Mendez! Never let go!"
-Miles-

"You can just call me uncle-daddy."
-Grinslade-

"Did I just cross the line into sexy-hood?"
-Edgar, right after an unexpected French kiss-

"We're not twins! You're fat!"
-Carlos-

"Sorry I treat your face like an amusement park."
-Edgar-

And the sweet quote of the day......
"I just smile when I realize what's in front of me."
-(who else?) Edgar-

1-2 Step? I think Not.

The fall is coming and I can't wait. I like the feeling of that first day in late September when you walk out in the morning and you can see the warmth of your breath against the cool air. That sight sends me somewhere else. What makes that sight even better are the colors- the beautiful, rich colors on the trees. Sure, I miss seeing the green foliage, but the yellows, reds, and golds mesmerize me like the greens can never do.

I'm quite excited about having quit my job now. For a minute there, I was scared because I don't really have anything lined up. Now, I just can't wait to see where I'm headed.

On the train yesterday morning, I heard two little girls, about 8 and 9 singing "1-2 Step" by Ciara word for word. I mean, they knew ALLLLL of the words. Melodically, they did a fantastic job. However, I did worry at the thought of the content of the songs these kids learn. It brought to mind something my mom always used to say to us whenever she heard us singing songs we knew like the backs of our hands. She'd say "why don't you learn a prayer instead?" She always chuckled when she said it, but I knew what she meant by it.

Instead of memorizing something as useless as the words to "1-2 Step," these little girls could be memorizing the goddam preamble, or the first 25 elements, shit...anything but that song or other songs that are like it. Don't get me wrong, it's catchy, and Ciara is talented in her own right, but kids should not be spending their time learning the words to a meaningless song. We can bring up the issue of their parents, but that opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ok, enough for today. Coffee with my Mariana today, perhaps? I hope so!! Miss you!!
P.S. TO FRANKIE...You weasel, if you read this, ANSWER MY EMAIL.

The Jobless Nenninator

Quit my job the other day. My last day is on my mother's birthday, 9/18. Four more shifts, and I'm out. All of this came after a very thought-inducing Labor Day weekend, and Edgar's suggestion to surprise myself.
I'll miss a few people there, but mostly everyone is gone.
Kate, Sherly, Megs, Brad, Allison- you made such a difference in the work atmosphere, and you are all sorely missed by me.

School started last week and I'm pretty happy with my classes for the most part. I'll be done with all of this by December. Edgar is surprised that I'm not more excited. It's not that I'm not excited, it's just that I'm scared. Lilly and I were talking about our degrees and we decided that a bachelors degree in Psychology is relatively worthless. Hence, I am not as excited as I am scared to graduate.

Man am I hungry. I haven't eaten since this afternoon and I came home and went straight to sleep and awoke to the unpleasant sounds of familial dysfunction. It happens. Some people are just better at concealing it.

Ok, homework time. Sorry I've neglected you for a few weeks- won't happen again.

p.s. Go see The March of the Penguins. It's a phenomenal flick!!

QOTD
"There are some thoughts that should remain thoughts."
-Lilly-

"Baaaby....you've gotta surprise yourself, ya know?"
-Edgar-

"I don't know why my ass is so ticklish. Maybe it's my defense against homosexuality."
-Edgar-