"Dear Female Heart"
Dave says we're all crazy. I try so hard to negate him on that, but nothing is ever enough to change his mind. Maybe that's for a reason, maybe I have something to learn from that.
I wonder about the kind of woman that will make him say otherwise. I wonder what she's like, and what it'll be about her that makes him say she's worth it. He says that right now, he wants to do what he wants to do and that a girlfriend would only be a pesky distraction- that she'd call him to talk about what kinds of shoes she saw at the mall, that she'd call him crying for no reason and that he wouldn't know what to do about it. And all the while, I'm thinking....that's what you say now. That is until I realize the obvious- He is a man. He has no reason to lie to me and he could only be honest with me cause I'm like his sister. But oh the things he told me about what many men think about women, and how primal it all is really would've left me hopeless had I not already been exposed to that mode of thought growing up with 4 brothers. I knew better than to believe him all the way.
What do women want? How do women function? Why the massive emotions? Sometimes, I wish I could be more stoic for my own sake. Sometimes...oh sometimes I wish I could just not give a damn about every little thing cause Dave says that us women, we let our emotions get the best of us, and he's right. Because of that, because everything is so goddam emotional, we suffer. I'm not talking about just romance either, I'm talking the whole shebang. Family, we suffer. Work, we suffer. Friends, we suffer. What the hell?
I wonder about women and what one can consider- what I would consider a good woman, a good wife, a good mother/sister/aunt/niece/girlfriend etc. Why does Dave say most women are pains in the ass? I don't believe all women are (many really truly are, though) but as he spoke and I listened, I began to validate his perspective and I couldn't help but think...man...he's got a point. Maybe this is why I can't keep a female "best friend." GOD I HATE THE TERM BEST FRIEND. Maybe to some degree, women can't even stand each other. How fucked up is that if that's the case?
This only made me yearn for more strength. I don't want to be that needy little girl. I want to be a pillar. I don't want to be that 7th daughter that everyone expects perfection out of, I want to be treated like I am 22 and responsible, because I am. What makes a good woman? What does it take to come out of catastrophes, heartaches, rifts and tumults and only be better for it? There's this one poem that I always tell myself to remember when I feel like shit, but I never do. It's dead on, man.
DEAR FEMALE HEART
By: Steve Smith
Dear female heart, I am sorry for you.
You must suffer, that is all you can do.
But if you like, in common with the rest of the human race,
You may also look most absurd with a miserable face.
It's short, but it's dead on. Personally speaking, sometimes I wonder about my heart. Two years ago, one of my coworkers once told me (this is translated from Spanish) "Oh Jenny, you know what your problem is? Your little heart, you have the heart of a chicken." lol...what she told me that meant was that my heart was so full, but that it was so malleable because all I could ever do was love. She made me out to sound vulnerable, and I hated it.
But when my heart loves, that bitch loves HARD and you won't ever see me so protective over anyone that I don't love. I can't help but love people all the way. I am very all or nothing and I'll be the first to admit it. If you're not gonna do something 100%, then why the hell bother to do it at all? I once started a family fued protecting someone that I loved. But does this make me a weak woman? Or does this make me a good family member?
This is not so much a question of myself as it is a general curiosity about the female race. I wonder about us.
My conclusion? I conclude that all it takes is thorough self discovery and mastery of fear. I met a Zen master for a reason this summer.
One last poem to drive the point home. It's short, don't worry.
This one's by Maria Wine, it's called Woman, you are afraid of the Forest:
Woman, you are afraid of the forest-
I see it in your eyes when you stare into the darkness:
The terrified look of a defenceless creature
Woman, you are a forest strange and deep:
I see you are afraid of yourself.
But, as Dr. Sutter told me on Wednesday as I walked out of her office: "Ok, no more fears!"
Granted, she was talking about my terror of statistics, but it's a fear nonetheless and it's JUST what I was talking about in this blog. Man, fuck the po-lice. Wait- no, screw them too!
But, screw fear even more. Fear is meant to be mastered and there was my lesson.
QOTD
"It doesn't always come back to money, Nen. As long as we can laugh...we're already millionaires."
-David-
I wonder about the kind of woman that will make him say otherwise. I wonder what she's like, and what it'll be about her that makes him say she's worth it. He says that right now, he wants to do what he wants to do and that a girlfriend would only be a pesky distraction- that she'd call him to talk about what kinds of shoes she saw at the mall, that she'd call him crying for no reason and that he wouldn't know what to do about it. And all the while, I'm thinking....that's what you say now. That is until I realize the obvious- He is a man. He has no reason to lie to me and he could only be honest with me cause I'm like his sister. But oh the things he told me about what many men think about women, and how primal it all is really would've left me hopeless had I not already been exposed to that mode of thought growing up with 4 brothers. I knew better than to believe him all the way.
What do women want? How do women function? Why the massive emotions? Sometimes, I wish I could be more stoic for my own sake. Sometimes...oh sometimes I wish I could just not give a damn about every little thing cause Dave says that us women, we let our emotions get the best of us, and he's right. Because of that, because everything is so goddam emotional, we suffer. I'm not talking about just romance either, I'm talking the whole shebang. Family, we suffer. Work, we suffer. Friends, we suffer. What the hell?
I wonder about women and what one can consider- what I would consider a good woman, a good wife, a good mother/sister/aunt/niece/girlfriend etc. Why does Dave say most women are pains in the ass? I don't believe all women are (many really truly are, though) but as he spoke and I listened, I began to validate his perspective and I couldn't help but think...man...he's got a point. Maybe this is why I can't keep a female "best friend." GOD I HATE THE TERM BEST FRIEND. Maybe to some degree, women can't even stand each other. How fucked up is that if that's the case?
This only made me yearn for more strength. I don't want to be that needy little girl. I want to be a pillar. I don't want to be that 7th daughter that everyone expects perfection out of, I want to be treated like I am 22 and responsible, because I am. What makes a good woman? What does it take to come out of catastrophes, heartaches, rifts and tumults and only be better for it? There's this one poem that I always tell myself to remember when I feel like shit, but I never do. It's dead on, man.
DEAR FEMALE HEART
By: Steve Smith
Dear female heart, I am sorry for you.
You must suffer, that is all you can do.
But if you like, in common with the rest of the human race,
You may also look most absurd with a miserable face.
It's short, but it's dead on. Personally speaking, sometimes I wonder about my heart. Two years ago, one of my coworkers once told me (this is translated from Spanish) "Oh Jenny, you know what your problem is? Your little heart, you have the heart of a chicken." lol...what she told me that meant was that my heart was so full, but that it was so malleable because all I could ever do was love. She made me out to sound vulnerable, and I hated it.
But when my heart loves, that bitch loves HARD and you won't ever see me so protective over anyone that I don't love. I can't help but love people all the way. I am very all or nothing and I'll be the first to admit it. If you're not gonna do something 100%, then why the hell bother to do it at all? I once started a family fued protecting someone that I loved. But does this make me a weak woman? Or does this make me a good family member?
This is not so much a question of myself as it is a general curiosity about the female race. I wonder about us.
My conclusion? I conclude that all it takes is thorough self discovery and mastery of fear. I met a Zen master for a reason this summer.
One last poem to drive the point home. It's short, don't worry.
This one's by Maria Wine, it's called Woman, you are afraid of the Forest:
Woman, you are afraid of the forest-
I see it in your eyes when you stare into the darkness:
The terrified look of a defenceless creature
Woman, you are a forest strange and deep:
I see you are afraid of yourself.
But, as Dr. Sutter told me on Wednesday as I walked out of her office: "Ok, no more fears!"
Granted, she was talking about my terror of statistics, but it's a fear nonetheless and it's JUST what I was talking about in this blog. Man, fuck the po-lice. Wait- no, screw them too!
But, screw fear even more. Fear is meant to be mastered and there was my lesson.
QOTD
"It doesn't always come back to money, Nen. As long as we can laugh...we're already millionaires."
-David-
posted by LoveisLife4Nen at 1:01 PM
<< Home