The Wrath of the Text Message

I hate getting all the green lights when I'm not quite ready to be home yet. I was driving around the town of Riverside tonight thinking the shit out of something that's slowly becoming decreasingly important to me- trying to purposely get lost in the maze-shaped town. Somehow I always ended up back on Longcommon Road.

This morning while I was stopped at a red light, I looked over to my left and a little boy, about 4-years old or so, waved at me and smiled. I waved back at him and looked straight ahead somehow sure that that wave from that little boy meant something. I've been having a hell of a time in this relationship that I'm in. I almost feel as if I am lost in it, but not in a good way. I am lost in a way that I've been enduring behavior that the old me would have stomped on immediately. It's almost as if I'm waiting for that bolt of lightning that will make everything better, but I don't think I'll get it.

Anyhow, I consider the wave from the little boy to be a God wink. I read a book by Squire Rushnell titled, When God Winks. It's a fantastic book and it's the reason why I think that the wave was a little sign of hope saying "it's gonna be OK." Sometimes you just need to hear that, or even better, feel it.

I rode into Riverside and I stopped at an ice cream shop called Grumpy's where the employees were seemingly happy with life and I envied them for it. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life as a whole, but there is one department that is gravely suffering, and it makes me wish that love weren't such a goddamn chess game. It made me wish for something better. It made me wish that I did not feel as if I was not capable of being properly loved.

I hate that my maturity and prior learning experiences have been reduced to a frivolous, impersonal chess game where almost every move that counters me is disappointing. I hate that I have been reduced to a silly, foolish girl who is waiting with hope for a change that is not ready to be made, or that will possibly never even happen. Even when I am bombarded with his best showcases of apathy, I still hope for something more, because that couldn't have possibly been it. Well, it was. That was it. THAT was who he was all along.

I'm saddened by this, naturally. However, if I have learned anything from this it is that neutrality, or apathy, if you will, is one painful thing to deal with when you are on the receiving end. This is especially so when that apathy is deeply rooted in egocentrism.
That was not what I signed up for, and I'm only sorry that it took me as long as it did to see that. I guess that's what happens when you give the benefit of the doubt- but for the love of God, so many times? That hardly seems right.

So- the top 5 things I have learned:
-Never let another person make you forget who you are.

-He or she will not change bc that is who they are, rightfully so.

-If you want him or her to change so much, you are probably not compatible to begin with.

-Cherish the good (all two seconds of it) and learn from the bad

-If you and the world around u (except for the person that should know it the most) know that you deserve more/better than what you are given, it is a sure sign of failure. You should never be crying more than you laugh.

Since I was remiss this weekend, I have a good handful of quotes. It seems people were chock-full of clever words.

QOTD
"I can't kiss you right now, I have too much cracker in my mouth, and not enough spit."
-Ally J. sent this to me via text at around 4am urging me to put this in QOTD, here's to you Al.-

"We're wasting our lives in this place, man...yeah I have my philosophical moments."
-Nikko randomly said this to me at work today, & when he's right, he's right.-

"Roxanne, you look like you're smelling farts, what's wrong?"
-Eric the Bartender

"Whatcha got for me? Lots of love?"
-Dad. It's translated, he said it in Spanish. I thought it was the sweetest thing. He said it to me when I got home from work.