"You can't love too much one part of it"
Who the hell ever really knows what time it is the first day after daylight savings time kicks in?
I was on my way out to church today and I was so confused bc some of the clocks in the house don't change automatically. So, for the greater good of the blogspot readers, I'll report that it is indeed 4:21 p.m. on Sunday evening. I think.
I was told this weekend that I seem to have developed a pattern in my behavior. I have a wall of defense up when it comes to new people, but I am quick to bring it down. I was told that I am quick to bring it down because I fall for the good in people. Maybe this is all about that chicken heart that Christina from the OG once told me I had.
I was also told by someone else that I will be gravely disappointed by love if I keep up believing in its perfection. My mom always says that to me too. And yes, I finally admit that I idealize it. I just always thought that it should only be fair for that to exist. If there can be so many atrocities in the world, why can't it be balanced by perfect love? I think I realized last night that I am probably the only tool, yes, I said tool in the world to have that much hope in something that has such a minute possibility of ever occuring.
The only defense I have for myself is that in my world, perfection is not so hard. Let's not forget about subjectivity. I'm so easy to handle. For example, perfect love from my mother is when she makes me hot chocolate and tacos every morning. Perfect love from a friend is when Lilly stays at the library with me just so I wouldn't stay alone. From Edgar, bringing me tissue and hugging me this summer while I cried for about 45 minutes straight in his room, or bringing me a cappuccino blast 'cause I was sad. In those ways, love from the people around me has almost always been perfect, if you ask me. But- people slip. We all slip.
I used to think that one should never place any expectations on anyone, that way, you're never disappointed when something happens...or when something doesn't happen. Lately, I notice I've started to change my mind. There are certain people that deserve your expectations. To expect nothing from those you love is almost like saying its a free for all. I think that if my parents hadn't had such high expectations of me, I would not have had so much faith in myself- I would not care if I had a future ahead of me. I expect so much out of many of the people that read this very blog, just because I know you are upstanding people
What I learned this weekend is that it's ok to have expectations of people, so long as you're fully aware of their human nature. Humans can be ugly people sometimes. All of us are humans, all of us can behave like monsters sometimes, and not mean it. It just takes our ability to love a little stronger when those we love are not themselves. It's so easy to turn and run sometimes. But running never really makes you anything but insecure. Many times it will take forgiveness and fearlessness to avoid the flight. I think of one of my brothers, and his wife. Their story could have had a depressing ending had they not chosen to forgive. And now, they are so easy to admire as a couple. But I could not help but wonder....what the hell drove them to put their marriage at stake in the first place. Wasn't love enough? I think about my mother being estranged from one of her siblings. Where is love there? Why has it been blocked? Is their relationship not worth saving? I have to think about that more because I'm not clear on where to go with that concept.
A song called "Split Screen Sadness" says: "All you need is love is a lie 'cause we had love but we still said goodbye. Now, we're tired, battered fighters." I wonder if that's how my brother and his wife felt. I wonder if she had dreams of a beautiful wedding, a house, children, and a pet as a young girl. I wonder if when their problems arose, she dismissed the notion as a silly one, and thought to herself that it was safer then to not believe in anything at all. I wonder if my mother agrees with this verse, and feels like a "tired, battered fighter."
All I can say for sure at this point is that I am loved in so many ways by so many good people. Not sure where I'll go with these ideas, but as long as I know for certain that there is always one of the aforementioned good people just a phone call away, I can rest easy. I love you guys right back. So, remember, enough is never enough because we love each other. There are no limits to what I will do for those I keep so close to my heart.
QOTD
"Mom, you suck balls."
-Jodi-
"Ya gotta know your titties!"
-Random guy at yesterday's Halloween party-
I was on my way out to church today and I was so confused bc some of the clocks in the house don't change automatically. So, for the greater good of the blogspot readers, I'll report that it is indeed 4:21 p.m. on Sunday evening. I think.
I was told this weekend that I seem to have developed a pattern in my behavior. I have a wall of defense up when it comes to new people, but I am quick to bring it down. I was told that I am quick to bring it down because I fall for the good in people. Maybe this is all about that chicken heart that Christina from the OG once told me I had.
I was also told by someone else that I will be gravely disappointed by love if I keep up believing in its perfection. My mom always says that to me too. And yes, I finally admit that I idealize it. I just always thought that it should only be fair for that to exist. If there can be so many atrocities in the world, why can't it be balanced by perfect love? I think I realized last night that I am probably the only tool, yes, I said tool in the world to have that much hope in something that has such a minute possibility of ever occuring.
The only defense I have for myself is that in my world, perfection is not so hard. Let's not forget about subjectivity. I'm so easy to handle. For example, perfect love from my mother is when she makes me hot chocolate and tacos every morning. Perfect love from a friend is when Lilly stays at the library with me just so I wouldn't stay alone. From Edgar, bringing me tissue and hugging me this summer while I cried for about 45 minutes straight in his room, or bringing me a cappuccino blast 'cause I was sad. In those ways, love from the people around me has almost always been perfect, if you ask me. But- people slip. We all slip.
I used to think that one should never place any expectations on anyone, that way, you're never disappointed when something happens...or when something doesn't happen. Lately, I notice I've started to change my mind. There are certain people that deserve your expectations. To expect nothing from those you love is almost like saying its a free for all. I think that if my parents hadn't had such high expectations of me, I would not have had so much faith in myself- I would not care if I had a future ahead of me. I expect so much out of many of the people that read this very blog, just because I know you are upstanding people
What I learned this weekend is that it's ok to have expectations of people, so long as you're fully aware of their human nature. Humans can be ugly people sometimes. All of us are humans, all of us can behave like monsters sometimes, and not mean it. It just takes our ability to love a little stronger when those we love are not themselves. It's so easy to turn and run sometimes. But running never really makes you anything but insecure. Many times it will take forgiveness and fearlessness to avoid the flight. I think of one of my brothers, and his wife. Their story could have had a depressing ending had they not chosen to forgive. And now, they are so easy to admire as a couple. But I could not help but wonder....what the hell drove them to put their marriage at stake in the first place. Wasn't love enough? I think about my mother being estranged from one of her siblings. Where is love there? Why has it been blocked? Is their relationship not worth saving? I have to think about that more because I'm not clear on where to go with that concept.
A song called "Split Screen Sadness" says: "All you need is love is a lie 'cause we had love but we still said goodbye. Now, we're tired, battered fighters." I wonder if that's how my brother and his wife felt. I wonder if she had dreams of a beautiful wedding, a house, children, and a pet as a young girl. I wonder if when their problems arose, she dismissed the notion as a silly one, and thought to herself that it was safer then to not believe in anything at all. I wonder if my mother agrees with this verse, and feels like a "tired, battered fighter."
All I can say for sure at this point is that I am loved in so many ways by so many good people. Not sure where I'll go with these ideas, but as long as I know for certain that there is always one of the aforementioned good people just a phone call away, I can rest easy. I love you guys right back. So, remember, enough is never enough because we love each other. There are no limits to what I will do for those I keep so close to my heart.
QOTD
"Mom, you suck balls."
-Jodi-
"Ya gotta know your titties!"
-Random guy at yesterday's Halloween party-
posted by LoveisLife4Nen at 4:52 PM
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