The Movement

I like moments that just happen. I like profound conversations that are just eased into, not forced.

The floor in my room is barely visible. I should really clean up, but I don't have the will. The mess is really getting to me, though. It's quite frustrating to have to walk around things to get to my bed. Why don't I just do it? Well, you see, I've psychologized the situation and I think that the mess in my room (which extreeeemely surpasses any mess I've ever seen before) is my own outcry to myself!!

I've maintained this disorderly atmosphere in my room in order to push myself out. Davina says some people have to be pushed out of "comfortable" but detrimental work settings, I think the same applies for the home setting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not like, getting beat or neglected, lol. However, I feel like I am riding against the current. I feel like the more I try to venture out, the less I am received well by those that have surrounded me. I am not being let go of. I appreciate the clingy-lovey part of it, but I don't appreciate the unwillingness to perceive how it might hurt me, the unwillingness to see that as bumpy and undeveloped an adult I may be, I AM still an adult.

I'm going through all sorts of changes now and only a few people are rooting me on. Edgar says that I am at a great spot in my life because there is only room for improvement. I can see why he'd say that. He embraces change more easily than I could ever hope to. Change baffles me though; they leaves me dumbfounded and bitter, especially when I don't think things should change.

I sat and thought again, about the people that have left my life, and this time, instead of feeling sadness, I felt anger. I felt as if the time I spent with them was pointless if all they would end up doing is leave anyway. Then what's the point of being so damned selective if the bonds that we form as human beings can be so paper thin? Who's to say my own damn mother wouldn't leave me? I mean, she will leave me in death, or I will leave her in death, but at least I know that shit's coming. Death is not nearly as sorrowful to me as when someone leaves your life by choice.

And what about the people that I have left behind myself? I think about that too! What have I made them feel? What is there to say about the relationships I held with people I walked away from? Why would those people just LET me go? Aren't you supposed to fight for what you love? What if letting go was an act of love?

As you can see, if you've stayed with me through all of this, I am full of questions. I am at a toss up here. I told Edgar that I felt as if I had jumped off of a high cliff and I was not done falling yet. What he said in response struck me and will probably stay with me until I get where I should be. He said, "yes, you may be falling, but there is movement." This is the movement I was so blind to needing before. This is the movement I will have no matter how hard it proves to be. This time is mine.