Welcome to the Nenninator's Blog!!!

SAMMICH

2007-07-25T02:30:00.000-05:00

So I sat at Subway for lunch today since Gigi, Jenel, and Jay have Tuesdays off, and I ordered my very favorite SIX INCH CHICKEN TERIYAKI SUB WITH OLIVES, PICKLES, A LITTLE LETTUCE, GIARDINERA, AND LOTS-N-LOTS OF SWEET ONION SAUCE.

It's been months since I've had this sandwich. I sat there with this delicious sandwich, a cold ass coke, and BBQ Baked Lays in front of me, getting ready to demolish it all, when some fool comes and sits down at the next table over, facing me.

You can't eat like an animal when someone can potentially be watching you, unless it's your sister, then who cares. My sister hates how I eat, she says I disgust her. VERY FEW people have seen me REALLY eat. Everyone else gets a very toned down version of the animal eater in Nen.

So I couldn't devour my sammich. BASTARD.

Next time I'll do it anyway and scare away all of the Subway patrons.

Today kinda sucked because I was the only one in my section tonight. Although, there was good news for one person at Chase. Eddie got a badass promotion today. I KNEW he'd get it, but he was skeptical. Congratulations to you, Edweirdo :) Now you can get your stewpid Subaru and leave the Sciontist club! (Although I don't see WHY you'd wanna leave the Sciontist club, we're all pretty spectacular)

I get to see Incubus many hours from now. I'm so enthralled, I think I've soiled my pants.

God I want a soda so bad right now. But it would have to be a fountain drink. What is it about a fountain drink (versus the canned or bottled drink) that tastes so freekin good?!

No clue.

Ok, I'm off to sleep to dream of raping Brandon Boyd...repeatedly....::drooooool::

QOTD
Jorge: What's good to eat for memory enhancement?
Lynda: Carrots maybe?
Elena: A vacation!
Jorge: WHAT? How am I gonna eat a vacation?!

"Here Jenny, you should take some of my fat."
-Gigi-

"You bastard!!! When the hell did you get so hot!!! WOWSERS!!! That bikini pic is outstanding, darling...if I had ur body I would walk around naked all day!!! God hates me, dude, seriously. You get to drink coke, have fatttening foods, and pretty much eat whatever the hell you want and you don't gain weight. That's just crazy! I guess reincarnation must exist then. You must have been a 400 pound obese lady stuck to a hospital bed in your past life, but saintly, and your last wish before death to God was, "Make me thin in my next life." So here you are, new and improved; and STILL saintly. I hate you!!! (shakes menacing fist) But only cuz ur skinny and hot, you twerp. Other than that you are the shit!!! lol"
-Laura- (message on myspace)

yyyeah...we're gonna leave now...

2007-07-06T04:03:00.001-05:00

Ro-Fav and I went to Hideout tonight 'cause we're cool like that. I had no idea who was playing. It's not Tuesday, so I know it wasn't the badass 2-man band with the overalls, kazoo, guitars, and washboard.

We got there and on stage was this homeless lookin' ass mo-fo. We quietly crept in and claimed the empty table at the front. The only thing darker than us in there was perhaps the room itself, which was lit mostly by yellow Christmas lights and candles.

The hobo dude, whose name turned out to be Otis Gibbs was pretty badass. My favorite song was the last song he sang...he called it a waltz. I looked it up, it's called "karluv most." I fell in love with the melody he played on the guitar...it kinda took me out of the room, and onto a moonlit garden in my head, where I sit geniuinely laughing.

Another song he sang that I liked for the words was called "i wanna change it." He is singing to the woman he loves about the world, telling her it is not too late to change it, and that if they wanted to, they could change it, and that he wants to change it with her. He was a good lyricist, witty, scary lookin as hell, but very talented with his INDIA/FOLK/AMERICANA music.

After he was done, the "main act" came on stage. Initially, we couldn't tell the "main act's" gender, but later found out it was the talentless Tom House. Well, let's not say talentless, he was OK on the guitar. BUT WOW, vocals? Not-s'much.

So what do you do when you are OBVIOUSLY thoroughly enjoying the first act, but then the 2nd act comes up, and he sucks ass, but you're sitting right up front, and you know like 48 seconds into the FIRST song that you probably won't make it through any more of this shit, but you don't want to hurt his feelings????

We did the polite thing, stayed for a few songs, taking comfort in our beers and in the fact that we really liked Otis Gibbs. But ya better believe we kinda slipped out of our chairs, and peaced out while crazy was on stage.

Otis was sitting right behind us. I made sure to let him know how much he rocked.

QOTD
"It's not an encore, I'm just too lazy to get off of the stage."
-Otis Gibbs

Love Mold

2007-07-05T02:02:00.000-05:00

Everytime I publically (sp?) declare my dislike for the 4th of July, I'm always greeted with an astonished "But Why??" as if I just said I like to eat babies or something.

I've never really had a stellar 4th of July. They've all been mediocre and somewhat lonely, even when I was in a relationship. As the years have gone by, I cared less and less for that romantic, cuddling while watching the fireworks on the grass thing that everyone does.

My one and only romantic fireworks was not even on the 4th of July, it was on Venetian Night, and it was on a badass boat.

So, yeah, fuck the 4th of July.

And I'm not saying fuck what it celebrates, because independence is dope.

Rather, I think what I meant to say is...fuck fireworks and FUCK CROWDS! YEAH!

I had to work today, and considering my distaste for the holiday, I didn't really mind. I really only minded missing out on beers and BBQ with the famo.

(Although those fat bastards didn't even save me a plate.)

When I came back from work, I tossed back a few brews with my bros and their ladies, and thus ended my 4th...hungrily, and humorous.

Here are your QOTDS

Moira: I loved it when you'd visit, so I didn't wanna go out with you right away. So I'd just invite you out with my friends, and then I liked you so much cause you grew on me.

Tony: So you're saying I'm mold?

Moira: Yes, you're my love mold!

Kewl Kids

2007-06-28T03:35:00.000-05:00

The spideys are keeping me from sleeping. It's quite scary when a slutty ass spider lets her whore spiderling eggs hatch in your room. UGH. BASTARDS.
I'm paranoid and I refuse to go to sleep. And EVERYONE insists on reminding me of the statistic of how many spiders we eat in our sleep in a year. FUCK ALL OF YOU!

Anywho, I'm sleepy, but awake and buying music off of I-Tunes :-/

I was looking at some recent pics from random times and I think I'll share some with ya'll, just because I'm feeling generous.

The first pictures are from my trip to Traverse City, Michigan to visit my Lisa...

Oh Hello Cooler that's so Important you need to be strapped in!!

hehehehehe!!

Gorgeous :)

Hello Ladies!

Vineyard from where we went YUMMY wine tasting!!

And THIS...is where she works!! So proud of her!!

Last day in T.C. Lisa says this is the best view of the place :) I think she's right.

AND OF COURSE....a sky shot on the ride home....

NEXT IS...SKYLARK LOUNGE AND OTHER DRINKY TIMES...

Ok that's it for now. I think I'm gonna go eat some spiders now, I mean sleep.

Anyway, here are some QOTDs that were actually super sweet and were said to me by my coworkers. It's nice to hear stuff like this every once in a while...I really do work with such a nice group of people and they are all so funny! See you all in hell in a few hours!

QOTD
"I know we haven't been able to chat much lately, but I've always enjoyed talking to you. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're the right kind of weird."
-Joe-

"Jenny...man...you're the coolest person here. I know you don't have any kids, but you're gonna be a great mom. When you do have a child, it's gonna be the nicest child in the world."
-Keith-

"Jenny, you actually combed your hair today!"
-Gigi-

guitaring

2007-06-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

So I spent the later part of last night successfully tuning my guitar (I was very proud of myself!!) After tuning the geetar (it took me longer than it should have) I worked on one of the surprisingly saddest songs ever. "You Are My Sunshine"....that shit is depressing as fuck. Don't believe me? Look up the goddamn lyrics. If I weren't as strong as I am now, those lyrics would have made me think about my losses! Instead, I focused on singing while playing the guitar. It's not as easy as it looks, especially for beginners. But I'm alot better at transitioning between chords and stuff, so focusing on the singing wasn't as hard this time. With more practice, I should be a sexy musician in no time.

After that song, I worked on "Yellow" by Coldplay- I still kinda suck at that one...

Anywho, I'm out of my element. I don't feel like myself. I feel like withdrawing and now more than ever, I feel like picking up my life and moving away. Silently, I'm getting my life geared in that direction. If all goes according to plan, I will reside in another state within the next couple of years.

I read an entry I wrote in my notebook 5.21.07 at 3:18 a.m. and DAMN all my good thoughts come out when it's late. I wish I were that wise during the day. :)

So for friends and family of mine that still read this, I'm sorry if I've been remiss. I kinda don't feel like being out there lately. I'll come back around. Promise.

Music I'm Living: The May Edition

2007-05-29T11:47:00.000-05:00

Number One:
FOR REASONS UNKNOWN by: The Killers
This one is the track right before "Read My Mind" on Sam's Town and it makes me feel relieved. It's OUT OF THIS WORLD fun at night when (Ok, picture this) it's night-time, warm and breezy, you've got the moonroof slid back, and all the windows rolled down...you're driving down the 290 and the wind is cradling you...your hair is flying EVERYWHERE, but who gives a shit? You've got amazing company and you feel free! This song is ALL of that.

Number Two:
DIG by: Incubus
This song (and a sermon at church one Sunday) encompass acceptance for a person I respect and wish the best for. This song is everything that we are to one another now. I'm glad life brought you my way, and "yes you are my friend."

Number Three:
It Was A Good Day by: Ice Cube
So no, I'm not smoking weed or shooting people with my AK or sleeping around with random people from my past like Ice Cube. BUT I AM having many good days! I've met wonderful new people and I'm enjoying old friends in new ways and it is SO fun to experience life with a positive outlook. This may very well be the theme song for our summer.

Number Four:
Lento by Julieta Venegas
Slow is better than rushing, an important lesson I learned not too long ago. What is meant to be will be...just enjoy the now :)

Number Five:
Cain & Abel by Josh Kelley
When it comes to love, this song reminds me of all the lessons I've learned...it explains where I am now almost perfectly. After every bridge he sings "but I know now..." It displays wisdom without knocking down a youthful hope, without being negative...
This will most likely be the next song I sing at Borders if Derek and I can ever get that rolling.

Wonderful Saturday Evening

2007-05-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

Check out my big bro, the President of The Latin American Police Association.
My family and I celebrated with him at the annual LAPA banquet last night at the Lexington House.

I was so proud of him and how hard he's worked to get to where he is now. My family and I watched with pride as he was introduced by Anita Padilla to give the president's speech. He inspired me in so many ways...mostly in work ethic. I've always been a hard-worker, but I need to kick it up a notch to make a name for myself like my big brother.

The program had letters to my brother from people like Lisa Madigan and the Chief Judge of the Circuit Court of Cook County as well as pictures of my brother (looking mighty goofy) with many of his distinguished comrades.

My mom opened the book, saw a picture of her son, and beneath his name, the word President, and she started to cry. My papa beamed with pride.

I thought, that must be the shit. To watch your children reach the top after all the sacrifices you made for them has got to be one of the most amazing things to ever experience.

Anywho, the banquet was very fun, and my brother Luis and I made sure to keep the open bar busy (yahoooo free Miller Lite!)

We had a wonderful meal, we had drinks, and LOTS of laughs (especially when the Frank Sinatra impersonator serenaded me,) and when Sandra and I started slow claps....hehehehe it was pretty damn funny.

After the banquet, it was BBQ time with my buds! Good weekends make my feet happy.
WHAT? Shut up.

QOTD
"i think animals are delicious too. anything that once had a soul just tastes better."
-Rolando-

"Jaclyn can I tell you something and you won't get mad? Your crying makes my ears hurt."
-Jessica (to her 4-month old daughter.)-

New Favorite

2007-05-12T02:13:00.000-05:00

I love this picture so much. I took it last Sunday at my nieces' 1st communion mass. My dad was holding Jaclyn throughout the entire mass and I could only concentrate on the little ways in which they bonded.

He held her little hand and she would stare at him and smile.

He kissed her little forehead and she rested on his chest.

This picture is full of so many ties and bonds and connections to everything I call home. This picture means, hold onto me because I will always be there for you.
This picture means you are safe with those who truly love you.
This picture gives me so much hope, and I'm so glad I captured something that would save my diminishing belief in something I thought I had a hold on.

In a life where everything fades, this is one thing that is indelible, love that is steadfast and genuine.

OOOhhhh Yes...Found A Secret Treasure

2007-05-08T02:35:00.000-05:00

Life is going to seem a whole lot longer if you can't laugh at Asians.

Your Welcome.

And We're Still Here.

2007-04-30T01:48:00.000-05:00

My little sister cried today over the life of one of our older siblings. She was so sad for her, and I understood her concern, but I had to let her know that she chose the lifestyle she is living.

It's hard for me to be sad for someone who is aware of their miserable state, yet chooses to remain the same. Change can catapult our lives at lightning speeds to places we would never dream of going. I like that now. The heart can change, the mind can definitely change, attitudes change, time changes youthful looks, distance(emotional and physical) weakens bonds, nothing is saved from change. I accept that now.

Today I sat and watched my family be together. I sat under the beautiful tree in my backyard, whose flowers had bloomed...the small soft pink petals floated abundantly, and gracefully into the atmosphere and I felt so content, and thankful for the people in my life. My brothers and nieces and nephews played badminton, everyone was eating, laughing, sharing stories. And while I have always known and loved the idea of family, I thought about what it takes to keep one.

I wouldn't say that my parents are in love. They are, however, strong, and selfless. The way they have sacrificed themselves for our well-being is breath-taking.

This made me think about marriage.

These days I am purposely focusing on everything but love, and my world feels so much lighter. And the thought of marriage seemed so different to me in this context.

I looked at my parents, and at my siblings and their marriages and these people have stuck with one another through hell. Really, the things we do to the ones we truly care for can be borderline atrocious at times. But they held fast to one another, these people.

Marriage is forgiveness. Marriage is continuing that fight for something you believe in, even when you are wronged, even when you commit wrong against those you love. I do want to be married someday, and I'm glad I learned this lesson now, otherwise, that partnership would have been tumultuous and tiring.

The line is thin between being forgiving and being a doormat, but the heart always knows which is which, and the mind never lets it forget that.

I was once idiotically unforgiving. I have recently put into practice a new mode of thought in my relationships, and I find that it strengthens them. I am fragile as hell when I love people, so that is why I was so unforgiving, but now I'm trying to love my friends and family with no boundaries. I'm still fragile, but I'd rather feel them all the way. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

Marriage is forgiveness, it is friendship, partnership, understanding, open, free, non-restrictive, comfortable, home, always willing to grow, persistent, wise because it learns from mistakes, accepting.

I learned more about marriage and partnerships than I had previously thought from my siblings and my parents, and watching them today brought to mind a very beautiful song by Alanis Morissette called Everything.
And someday someone will get that song from me and he will understand what I think about our marriage, what I think about him, and he will be trusting of me, and never lose faith in me, and that will be the start of the family I will one day have. If it is anything like the beautiful family my parents built, I will be so blessed...and they're still here =)

EVERYTHING
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind.
I can withhold like it’s going out of style.
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone who
is as negative as I am sometimes.

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.

What I resist persists, and speaks louder than I know.
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.
I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known.
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed-
There's not anything to which you can’t relate,
And you’re still here
And you’re still here
And you're still here...

ScatteredTrees

2007-04-28T14:56:00.000-05:00

My buddy Ryne from Loyola is in a FABULOUS band called ScatteredTrees. They have one of their songs, "Sparrow" featured on Starbucks' Off The Clock album, and if they get enough votes, their music will be featured in Starbucks' next compilation album among big-name artists. Sparrow happens to be my FAVORITE song by Ryne's band, and Ryne also happens to be a beautiful person, inside and out, so please help him and the guys win the contest!! Theirs is the first track on the listing.

PLEASE vote for them at the following website:
http://hearmusic.com/#OFF_THE_CLOCK

Music I'm Living -The April Edition-

2007-04-27T02:40:00.000-05:00

And Here They Are, Listed In The Order of Their Importance:

Number One:
Let Go by Frou Frou. I think she's singing it to me, and I'm listening.

Number Two:
Read My Mind by The Killers. I listen to it everyday on the expressway and sing along with the Killers and I am starting to see the stars the way this song says again, and Ohhhh the energy in this tune is intense!

Number Three:
Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars. Jenel Isaias, I miss you at work, thank you for this therapeutic, amazingly composed song. It caught my attention from the very first sounds that it made. "When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire..."

Number Four:
Wheel by John Mayer. The ending of anything makes sense to me through these lyrics.

Number Five:
Ode to Divorce by Regina Spektor. This one is the least important. This one is weird, and doesn't fit me all the way, but I play it often these days, very often, mostly for the beginning and the way it's just dramatic enough. It captures me when my mind is idle.

Take Me Back There

2007-04-19T00:45:00.000-05:00

Smells and Sounds and the Wind.

They connect me to so many things.

A guitar rift can make me tear up within seconds, and I'm there again.

The smell of a summer evening, with a breeze that makes it feel like it wants to embrace you...that kills me.

The thought of lake Michigan, and how it smells in early June, and I'm connected.

Coldplay's Til Kingdom Comes is such a powerful song to me. Only one other person knows why. I saw them play that live at their concert and I cried and cried and cried right there as I clung tightly to the person I was with because of how much those words in that song really mean everything to my heart. (it still makes me cry.)

Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous takes me back just a few months, when I felt God sent me an angel in a woman who helped me to rebuild myself. I would love for her to hear it someday.

Wayne Wonder's No Letting Go reminds me of the summer of 2003 when I branched out of my little shell and partied with an amazing group of friends.

Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing reminds me of my first puppy love.

Monica's For You I Will reminds me of my cousin and how we thought that replacing "I will cross the ocean for you" with "I will piss an ocean for you" surely displayed more love.

Fergie's Fergalicious brings to mind a new friend that I wish all the best for.

Madonna's Like a Prayer (the remix) instantly makes me happy and dance-y and smiley at the thought of one of the most high-spirited, unforgettable guy I have ever met. Soon he will be in Chicago again for good, and I will be one very very busy gal on the weekends :) Well, more than I am now.

Dido's Take My Hand. I gave it to someone once as a gift. That's the last time it will ever be given out to anyone.

Pedro Infante's Amorcito Corazon takes me back to when I was 3, with a little lisp, and a boyish hair-cut.

Bright Eyes' First Day of My Life takes me back to April 2005 when I hoped to one day feel like this song said.

Sia's Breathe Me- Fall 2006, everyone was sad it seemed.

I could go on. Really, I could go on for hours with songs that remind me of exact minutes and riding in the car alone, or with somebody, or a season, or a year! I could go on. But I won't.

Memories fade.

That is not in question.

But when they're not supposed to, there will almost always be something that won't let you...like a guitar rift.

A Good Pal Celebrates A Year of Life.

2007-04-17T02:52:00.000-05:00

So I have been thinking about friendships lately and I came to appreciate the way time works...well a little. I get impatient, and disheartened by it most of the time, but that's another story.

I have written about Lisa on this blog several times before, and how we stopped being friends, and how much it hurt because we were like sisters, and bla bla bla.

Well, God brought her back into my life and I feel a different connection with her now than before. It's more real now. I love that girl to pieces, and I regret the time we drifted, but we are friends for good now, and I appreciate the 2nd chances life gives us, even when we don't know we need or want them.

Anyway, Raul is Lisa's boyfriend, and they have been together damn near 6 years now, and his birthday was this past Saturday. That kid has a heart of gold and I am also proud to call him a friend of mine. Throughout the time that Lisa and I weren't speaking, he kind of gently held it together, letting both of us know that we were silly for not being friends, and that the door was always open to enter and patch things up.

So, needless to say, I was completely happy to celebrate his birthday with him, as well as take his first alcoholic drink with him, EVER.
Cheers buddy, I hope to celebrate many more years of your life with you and Lisa.

For the readers, enjoy these pictures of Saturday's celebration....

2007-04-17T02:42:00.000-05:00

small doses

2007-04-12T01:09:00.000-05:00

One of life's cruelest (that a word?) tricks is when you don't know it's the last time you'll see a person when it's happening. That cruel trick is followed closely by the human capacity to remember things, especially when you don't expect to have those moments of stillness. I hate when that happens. I hate when I realize the things that have been whirling around me are doing just that, whirling- not landing, settling.

I am particularly good at cutting people off as far as they are concerned, but I am unskilled at doing that behind closed doors. I ache. I pine. I let myself believe the world is colorless for a minute. I wonder. I tear up. I shake it off. I pause, take a breath, and hope it's all for the greater good that these things happen. And when it's all over, it's clear how all my life, I have had to train myself to let go of people in small doses, all while they are blind to this seemingly cathartic routine of mine. I break myself up to rebuild, and ooooooh why do I do this to myself?

And I hate to ask this because I know I don't mean it permanently, but what is the point in that excitement...that attachment? Sure there's the mickey-mouse side of it- that whole, well you learned a whole lot about yourself, you changed, this is where it was meant to go, etc, but that doesn't cover the aftermath. That doesn't tell you what do in-between the lines. That doesn't make it feel any better when it's all gone, when you feel like "FUCK THIS SHOULD HAVE WORKED!"

And you know everyone is right, and so is your inner-voice, it's gone. It is for the better. This is where it ends, and you did learn things you never knew you needed to learn. But a night like this one...it's good at making you forget that.

And I'm not bitter at those who are gone, I am bitter at the way life tricks me sometimes into thinking I can finally settle in and breathe comfortably. I want that to be true already. I want, no, I need some sort of constancy and soon...

I wish my parents would come home already. I miss them terribly. The house feels so different without them. Their spirits are irreplaceable.
Easter was completely....lonely without them. It was sad this year. It was not what it should have been, and I got a taste of what it's like to be without family due to drifting. It felt like a punch in the gut, but...bear with me, it was like...a strengthening blow to the gut. Like, it was saying to me: when you leave to California, you will be without them, and all things that are familiar to you, taste it, get used to it. Naturally, due to that, I got over that lonely feeling, and spent the rest of the night with the family that I did have near. Jac and Jess are fabulous company :)

My friends have been so amazing to me, especially Derfy, Jew, Kate, Ed, and Dave. I love being around them, they never let me forget what a bright world this is. They keep me laughing. They have lunch, dinner, and drinks with me. They ask me how I'm doing, and they listen for the answer. They play Mario Brothers with me. They dance with me. They come to me with their problems because they know they can. They seek out my company, and I seek out theirs. They text me and call me and let me know they're there. They are like angels to me right now, and I thank God for knowing I need them the way I do right now. I am sending bundles of love to you right now, dear friends. May you always be surrounded by good things.

Woah Momma!

2007-04-04T01:32:00.000-05:00

I'm in charge of my house until my parents return. My maternal instincts are heightened, and I seem to slip into that role so easily. I love that- but I don't quite think my little sister does, but that's ok, she needs a little firmness.

Mom and dad went on a trip to get away and relax. I found it odd that they took precautions prior to taking this trip that they had never quite taken before. They added my name to the bank account and put me in charge of everything, if anything should happen to them. They are driving, and I won't lie, they have me a little worried.

They said extra heartfelt goodbyes and it was just out of the ordinary. I'm praying that they have a safe journey and come back full of stories like they always do.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I came home from work to hear that Jaclyn, my sister's 2 month old, was not feeling too well. A rectal thermometer later, she's sound asleep and feeling better.

Tonight- a family member of mine opened up to me and told me things I NEVER knew about her. Things she was afflicted with, that I guess I may have been to consumed in my own life to notice. It's a shame when we miss those things that we should pick up on. I honestly felt shame. I thanked her for sharing those parts of her life with me and asked her to remember she could share those things with me and never be judged.

Why do we miss the obvious sometimes? What is it about the hidden pain of others that is so easy to gloss over?

I have been going out, celebrating life more and more these days, and at the end of the day, I feel movement. An old group of very good friends made a surprise visit tonight and we rehashed about all the things in life that made us smile once.

I don't know- it seems that we forget to live sometimes. I try my best not to do that. I try to keep myself on my toes :)

My friend and I were kicked out of a gay bar last night. We were with Gus and his friend Juan because they're in from Texas. Two straighties were kicked out of a gay bar and I never laughed SO hard. I had so much fun being with them. My friend had never been to a gay bar and he ended up having the time of his life. It's hard not to around Gus. I did not come home last night and it was fine with my parents. I made it in time to see them off. They recognized me as someone that is in control of herself and man was that gratifying. FINALLY!!

And tonight my head is a jungle. In no particular order, I have been thinking intensely about my parents' journey, Jaclyn, my sister Jess and how I hope she pulls it all together, my friends (who are like sunshine in my life lately,) the family member who opened up to me and asked for my support...My head is a jungle, but my heart beats steady because it's wiser now.

And now- I sorely need sleep. Off I go to dream of what I dreamed last night, hopefully. I slept like a baby and my dreams were so sweet. The winds are howling right now, and its a tad eerie, but I'm so tired it really doesn't make a difference what the wind does. My girls and I are safe within four walls, where we are blessed to know what real love is.

You'll Never Feel the Heat of This Soul

2007-04-02T01:11:00.000-05:00

You know I have had some time to think and I'm thinking that maybe when people leave your life it's for the best. And it doesn't always have to be permanent- God brings people together for different reasons, at odd times, but He can take them away just the same- and now I see that's not always a bad thing. Freddy and I were talking today, and he said it's never good to burn bridges. I said that with some people, you have to...but I think I had to hear him say that in order to see how foolish I've been to burn some bridges in my life.

It's never the same to come across those old bridges again, sometimes
it's strong, sometimes it's scary, sometimes...you wish you'd burnt them afterall...

I'm starting to see all the ways in which certain people may not be good to have around afterall. When you're growing and changing, the last thing you need are people who make you feel small, inadequate. I am more than they will ever know because they gave up on me and you know what, maybe it's better that way because the people who gave a shit enough to stick around will get to see me shine, and that's the way it should be. I know those people don't really hear me anyway.

"I have wandered far and wide for something real, something to die for.
But I have found you, and you do not see all that is me, all that is true.
And I am more than you will see, I am more than you will need, I am more than you will see, more than wanted, more than you'll love, more than you'll hate, more than you'll hold, more than wanted, more than you'll crave, more than you'll cherish, more than you'll have, more than wanted." (I thought lyrics from Vanessa Carlton's 'wanted' were fitting.)

So- even if I'm not "reliable" enough in your eyes to get my own life together, then you never really knew me at all. You don't know my heart, you don't know the root of my fears, and you certainly don't know my desire to burn brightly- a desire that no one can put out.

I thought about what a blow it was to hear you say that because my life is not where it should be, you can use that as a measure to prognosticate what I would be to you in the future, and if you can sit there and do that, then you're right, it is done for now. I am not burning any bridges with you because I love you, but I'm also not going to stay in a place where someone thinks so little of me.

Farewell for now, to those of you who think I'm not good enough. I wouldn't dare to try and prove what I am or am not to change your mind of me. I will see you if and when the good Lord thinks I should- no bridges burnt.

QOTD
"Thank goodness paleness is only a phase."
-Fred-

"Heeeeey it's UIC! Let's stop and have some classes!"
-Jew, drunk at 4a.m.-

"Your momma's a bitch for having you."
-Tamara-

blaaaaaaaaaaah

2006-09-11T11:40:00.000-05:00

I dreamed that my sister died the other night and I woke up all weepy about it. But then I woke up and my friend Cruz told me that dreams about death like that usually signify the opposite- new life.
And dreams about weddings and sailboats signify that death is imminent.

So anyway, my sister is alive and well. Also, there is a baby on the way in the family.

I'm so excited, Med and I (we're still amicable) are gonna go see Cat Power on Wednesday. Then in October I'm gonna go see Regina Spektor with my buddy Alex. Both of those chicks rrrrock! I can't wait.

I'm so very tired. There's so much to do. Let's take a nap.

Warning, this is pretty random towards the end.

2006-09-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

So let's see, news from the Nen.....

I got cancelled. The bf left me almost a week ago. I'm pretty cried out, no worries, I won't get all sappy. It kinda came out of nowhere, but I respect the decision, and I know it's for the better.

That shit happens everyday.

People fall in love while others walk away from each other. Love is born, love ends.

When I broke up with Julian last year, I was all bitter. Strange how I was broken up with this time, and I'm not bitter at all. I went through the traditional sad-angry-sad post-break-up emotions in the past week, of course. But I'm not bitter. It could be because this time I was actually in love with the boy. I still am. There's no switch to turn off and on when you're in love. When it hurts so bad, sometimes you wish there was. But you know what, I'm glad he was a part of my life.

I just RSVPd for NLU's Teacher Fest on September 16th. I'm going to take a tour of the campus, and check out all of their graduate programs that are relevant to education. I want to teach (now unsure if I want to do elementary or secondary education...) but eventually (as I grow older) I want to end up in Administration so I can bank and retire!

I'm not gonna be all humble to your face and say that it's not about the money in part. Don't get me wrong, the reason I want to go into Education is because I'm VERY passionate about the system itself. I think there are a lack of educators that ACTUALLY care about the importance of the role they play in students' lives. However, I do want a comfortable life. I want to be able to purchase MY OWN home. I want to be able to afford the things I want and eventually buy my parents a nice home to settle in. Not that they can't afford it themselves, but shit, you'd figure after 8 kids, at least one of them can get you something to boast about. A house oughta do it. :p

If kids aren't meant to bring good things (like houses and cars and bitches and hos, WHAT?) when they get older, then I don't want em.

On a funny note, my mother called me a wetback today. BWaHAAHAHAHa!!
Hilariom.

My sister Randy is going back to work on the 18th, which also happens to be my mammy's birthday.

The other day, I took a picture of a dog named Rocky wearing sunglasses. MAN was it funny.

So here I am, dumped, random, graduate school-bound....the world awaits me :)

p.s. Baby Suri is ugly.

QOTD
"You always have your phone on fart."
-Sandy- (she means vibrate for those of you who like things that make sense.)

Through The Dark -KT Tunstall- [the perfect f-in song.]

2006-09-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

As I walk away, I look over my shoulder
To see what I'm leaving behind
Pieces of puzzles
And wishes on eyelashes fail
Oh, how do I show
All the love inside my heart?
For this is all new
And I'm feeling my way through the dark

I used to talk
With honest conviction
Of how I predicted my world
I'm gonna leave it to stargazers
Tell me what your telescope says
Oh, what is in store for me now?
It's coming apart
I know that its true
Cos I'm feeling my way through the dark

Trying to find a light on somewhere
Trying to find a light on somewhere
I'm finding I'm falling in love with the dark over here

Oh, what do I know, I don't care
Where I start...
For my troubles are few
As I'm feeling my way through the dark...
Through the dark-
I'm feeling my way through the dark

Sandbar

2006-08-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

I accidentally discovered a hidden gem in Brookfield last night. I got lost like always and stumbled across the Sandbar which is a tiki bar and restaurant. They have Creole food and DELICIOUS drinks. Their beer selection is awesome too. The inside of it is absolutely charming. It's very cozy and it has a small stage for the live music on the weekends.

I recommend this place to anyone. Laura, if you read this, that Rockabilly band is going to be playing there on Sept. 1st.

The address is 3733 Grand Blvd and it's in Brookfield.

Lisa is back in town tonight and we might head out there tonight for some drinks and live tunes!

I had a Mai Tai and an Oberon wheat beer from Michigan. The kitchen was closed when we got there yesterday, but one of the bartenders overheard us say we worked at Rascals and brought us this goat cheese appetizer on the house. OMG it was divine.

Anyway, you get the point, I like the place. Go check it out!

QOTD
"Do you ever get that pain that shoots from your leg and then it goes to your butt and then it goes to your poonani?"
-Tonia-

"Pardon Me, I'll Never Be the Same"

2006-08-17T11:54:00.001-05:00

I'm dying to go see "Corteo," Cirque du Solei's show about the clown that fantasizes about what his funeral would be like. He thinks about who would come to his funeral...he imagines old friends, old lovers. It sounds very interesting because I'm sure everybody has thought about that at least once in their lives. I know I've thought about it several times...and the list of people I imagine would be there changes often. If there's one lesson life LOVES to teach me over and over again is that people may come, yes, but they go just as easily.

Part of me wants to avoid attachment to anyone anymore. But the other, more prominent side of me says that's just a phase. It always is. That frustration always passes and opens new doors. On a more positive note, I've been getting closer to some people in my life that have been there all along, but I never got the chance to thoroughly enjoy.

Just yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend Hector. He was very easy to talk to. From that conversation, I learned how dangerous blind trust is for a lot of people, including myself. We discussed how putting faith in the wrong people takes its toll on you.
I spent a half hour being lazy with Kate. She calls and visits often and she has NO IDEA how much that means to me. She's been there through some big changes in my life recently. In spending time with her, I've learned that God never leaves you alone.
At night Dredle and I had mojitos and bullshitted about everything. It was fun to be out making fun of the public once again. That kid is one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Many nights, I sit out with Carmen and we speak bluntly, at times emotionally, about our wounds, about life lessons, about the reality that never leaves, even when we wish for things to turn out a certain way. From her I learned to live for myself, and no one else. AND GODDAM IS THAT LIBERATING!

So anyway, yeah, I want to see Corteo. ;p

Oh, before I go, has anyone seen that commercial with the VERRRRY old man (probably in his mid-hundreds) named Isadore Berenstein who's a lawyer and talks with a lisp? "Let my 40 yearth exthperienth...." LMAO. Fucking hilarious.
He dies peacefully mid-commercial. just kidding.

QOTD
"I was gonna call you from work to tell you that the mosquitos bit me too. I was working and then I realized that the mosquitos got me in the ass!"
-Carmen-

"You know you've watched a really good movie when it ends and you're like 'MAN that was good!"
-Hector-
(LMAO I LOVE THIS ONE!!! )

An Update

2006-08-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, the heat is ridiculous, but I'd rather have this than the frigidity of Chicago winters. Note to self: Just because an a.c. costs $89.99 at every Mexican's favorite HOME DEPOT, it doesn't mean that I can consider it a steal and proclaim: "YOINK!" as I hurry to the cash register.

I moved out of my parent's house for a month while my sister and her children make my room their own. I've been out for 2 days, and it's bliss. It's been a pain in the ass hauling everything upstairs to the room I'm staying in, but even more of a pain in the ass is the piece of shit a.c. I thought was a steal. HEAT RISES. STUPID A.C. WHOSE VENT ONLY BLOWS UP! STUPID EVERYTHING!!!

Aside from the heat, I love the room. Carmen helped me assemble my bed and Kate helped me with hauling heavy objects. For 2 small chicks, those two are mighty and I'll never piss em off cause they'll beat me in a fight.

As you can imagine, my momma was a little upset about me leaving because she's Mexican and a child moving out before getting married is considered a STUPID AMERICAN THING. Ask any of your foreign friends, they'll fill you in. I would but the keyboard I'm using to type this really blows and I don't feel like using it much anymore. Anyway, I took her to dinner, told her I loved her, and it all worked out. If I know Mendez girls, I know that food is the way to their hearts...or...it's just a good way to get them to not be mad at you.

I went swimming with the Westchester peeps last night at Big Booty Ho's house. It was still in the high 80's and it was soooo much fun.

Ok, you've been updated. Stay cool mah babies!!!

QOTD
"I like to fake that I like fitness."
-Kake-

Gettin' Allllll F-d Up!!!

2006-07-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

My big sis Randy and her manfriend Carlos had a Q at their house this past Saturday. MAN was it fun. Rick, the pretty gay boy who turned out to be straight kept giving up shots of tequila and needless to say, by the end of the night, I was ALLLL fucked up!! I ended up yakking and poor Dre-dle had to deal with that, and he's a fab pal for it!! I had the hangover of the century on Sunday, but it was worth it.

Stupid July is halfway over and I still haven't done HALF of the things I wanted to do this summer. Beach, pools, mini roadtrips, outdoor film fest, summer dance, bar hopping (at bars with outdoor verandas,) etc. The only thing I have been able to do and love is go to Q's!!

That's ok, Jacks and I are gonna squeeze part of that stuff in next week when her manfriend leaves to Vegas!! ;p

Brad, you MUST tell me why you and Jen were at Lamaze class. Is there a baby Bradwell on the way? Does Dril know about this? Fill a sister in, yeah?

K. Mendez. Out.

Holy Crackers, It's A Blog

2006-07-13T09:42:00.001-05:00

Ok so I know these blogsies are far and few in between these days.

But I swear 'fore God there's all sorts of crap going on!! (you gotta say that like a southern black woman.)

Let's see....

The home life has been stirred up quite a bit, and it's not even to it's maximum dysfunctional potential yet. Trust me, it'll get there in due time.

There is trouble in paradise (YES, again for those of you who know us!) But, as a wise Arby once told me, "love hurts, wear a fuckin' helmet." Right he was.

Work sucks more and more each day I'm there because I know I'm wasting away. Why is it that there are very few people who can say that they are happy going to work each day? I have a feeling that a majority of the people on the expressway, walking, or on the busses and trains (when they're not burning) aren't really happy about where they're headed.

I'm just....just.....well, I'm tired of complaining and not doing.

I'll admit that I'm guilty of that. Part of it is fear, you know. Fear of going out there, trying, and failing miserably.

The funny part is that if I heard anyone else talking like this, I'd advise them that life's about trying, falling, then getting up again, and that you only hurt yourself when you don't do anything. Why don't we ever take our own advice?

I need a fucking vacation, dammit.

I am responsible for a lot of things and a few people, but I am also responsible for myself. Now I should start acting like it.

Thanks Brad and Dril for your very funny comments and insight :) You are very much appreciated!!

Almost Forgot My Password

2006-06-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

I guess this blog was meant to be because I have usernames and passwords for everything these freekin days, and I almost couldn't remember the password for my blog.

So I'll do a quick overview here of what's been going on in the land of NenThrax:

* I've managed to become bitter at the world, and I'm pretty close to hating everyone, well, almost everyone.

* I am taking a class at UIC and the campus makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs, it's so depressing looking. Loyola greenery...so pretty. Someone needs to tell UIC to contract some beaners to get their shit beautified.

* I now have a Target card and it's probably one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. (Ahem, I love Target THAT much.)

* My sister Sandy had a major spinal surgery on May 4th and is now recovering nicely. With enough perseverance and support, she'll be walking soon.

*I have a cell phone now. I haven't really figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I kinda liked it when people couldn't find me.

* Edgar and I have broken up and gotten back together several times now, that no one ever believes us or listens to us when we go to them for "advice." hAhA!! It'll be a year on June 17th. Gifts are welcome. He likes PSP video games and I like money. What? It's like a relationship birthday, people SHOULD give gifts.

* Edgar's turning 25 on the 23rd and I'm gonna go broke because of his birthday present. Not for nothin', but it really is a breath-taking gift; I'm a genius for thinking of it.

* My buddy Zack and I are performing at Borders tmrw night. I'll be singing "Love me Like a Man" by Bonnie Raitt and a mystery song.

* I hate fat ugly trampsluts who hit on your boyfriend right in fron of you. If I wasn't so sure she'd take a bite out of me, I woulda said something.

This might be it. I feel like I'm forgetting something kind of important. If I am, it probably wasn't that important anyway. I HAD a whole crap load of QOTDs like last month, but as you can obviously tell, I'm no longer as enthusiastic as I once was about my blog. Also, I no longer have internet at home.

I bid you farewell for now dear readers, if I still have any. I know I can still count on Dril, my turkish prisoner, whom I think is just BRAD undercover. Nonetheless, the idea of a Turkish prisoner even having a computer to read blogs on is entertaining. I'll take it :)

Things are Well :)

2006-04-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

What a busy busy week! Whenever I have the Suntimes in front of me, I like to take a gander at the horoscopes. Sometimes they're senseless, sometimes, they're right on.

Yesterday's told me that I am a person of great responsibility and that I have a tug between responsibilities in my own life and those to my family. It advised that I not forget myself.

But, when it comes to those we love, when is enough enough? If there's a limit, one that terminates all will to connect the way we do, I haven't found it.

On another note, I've missed my pals terribly and will see some of them tonight.

********

Rob called off last night and they called me in to be the barkeep. Thank God for that because a gal can make lotsa bucks off of drunk, rich, old men. Benny was the closing manager. He cracks me up! He's made a habit of calling me his little Mexican.

On Monday afternoon, I took a drive over to Polar Bear for a burger and a strawberry milkshake and it was SO beautiful outside! The funny part about that was the amount of older men that came in for ice cream cones and sundaes. Straight across from me was a 50-something year old dude in an ugly suit, just goin to town on a vanilla cone. There were very few children, and plenty of grown ass men. Nice to see that the sun and a warm breeze brings anyone out for an ice cream cone :)

Easter is on Sunday and I think I have succeeded in organizing a family gathering which will begin at the Easter mass. All of my siblings and their kids and my p-units will be together, and I couldn't be happier. Of course my mom left it up to me to organize it. Luckily, they all cooperated smoothly, except for the expected grumble about the 8:30 a.m. mass.

My niece Haley gets out of school at 11 and then she and I are off to T-mobile to inquire about a celly!! Yay! It's about fracking time huh?

Ok- nice blogging again. Miss you all very much (you know who you are!)

Happy Easter!!!!

QOTD
"Ohhh...::sighs:: I'm not having sex any nights of the week"
-Barb-

"It was no accident that you and I met."

2006-03-21T12:52:00.000-06:00

Been gone awhile, sorry. Why do I even keep this thing then, huh?

Well, I'm here to let you all know that posts will be even more scarce til I activate the phone line in my room. Momma decided to cut the cord- the internet cord, that is. I'm doing some research and have decided to go with yahoo. They're on this $12.99 deal and I'm going to TRY to activate it before I leave for my trip on Friday. We're heading for the sun and this could not have possibly have come at a better time. We'll be back sooner than I'd like to, but I'm not gonna bitch about it.

I worked a wedding at Rascals on Saturday. I wondered why anyone would have a wedding at Rascals, but whatev. It was depressing.

You know what else is depressing? These people that just walked into the library computer room that don't know how to sign onto the internet. God help em. Soon, we'll be running our families on computers. Oh wait, we already do.

I met the most intriguing woman last night. Her name is Marge. She's in her 70's, I'm speculating, but so very bright. We talked about social inequality, and I gave her a list of books she should read. She saw my book on the counter-top and we started to talk about it. The book is "Blaming the Victim." The book itself is about social inequality.

We talked about that and we talked about family and how important the family unit is, but how underappreciated it is. She told me that it was no accident that she and I met. I believed her. Certain encounters can never be accidental. Our only duty is to see that.

So Very Random.

2006-03-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

Just recently started listening to Fiona Apple. (Brad, I'm sure you're a fan since you like all the chick performers.) And MAN IS SHE GOOD!

So far, my favorite songs by her (besides Criminal, which everyone likes) are 'Never is a Promise' and 'Shadowboxer.' She has a strangely bluesy voice and I love it.

Sunday, I'm going to the Cadillac Theater to see 'Tuesdays with Morrie.' You have no idea how excited I am for that. That book is BEAUTIFUL and I can't wait to see what they did with the play. The movie was "aight," so the play better bring it! If you've never read it, pick it up, it's by Mitch Albom.

I'm going to watch 'Walk the Line' tonight. I hear good things, and I LOVE Reese Witherspoon. A review will be provided :)

Before I go, I just want to let everyone know that Samantha is an angel. I met Sherly's baby (Samantha) yesterday and I was seriously contemplating putting her in my coat pocket and casually sauntering out. She's beautiful, and so very well behaved! Good job on the making a good baby, Sherls!

Have a decent Monday, folks.

I Love Sundays Again

2006-02-26T18:53:00.000-06:00

I saw the movie 'The Shining' today. I'll admit, it was suspenseful, but so many parts of it made me laugh.

Like, can a ghost really let Jack Nicholson out of a bolted storage room?

-or-

Was the director SERIOUSLY trying to scare us with rubber ass skeletons? (that scene where wendy walks past the ballroom and it's filled with carefully positioned skeletons.)

By the end of the movie, I just wanted to hold little Danny (Mr. Redrum) and tell him it wasn't his fault that his daddy was a crazy assclown.

We got a new pastor at church. I don't know how I feel about him just yet....
He does the Reverend Lovejoy voice quite a bit, and we all know how big of a phoney Lovejoy is.

Steppin out for dinner. Catch ya'll later.

Whales and Things of That Nature

2006-02-24T13:39:00.000-06:00

I'm tired, I hate my job.

I came home last night and fell asleep and had INSANE dreams about seeing beluga whales with smiles on their faces. One was ENORMOUS and the other 2 were smaller.

Then I woke up, and had SOMEHOW, IN MY SLEEP (mind you) turned on the dvd player. The movie 'What Dreams May Come' was playing. It creeped me out a little, not gonna lie.

Any dream interpreters out there? Someone tell me what the whale thing meant. Maybe I'm going to be the owner of a successful lipstick corporation...

Yeah, Not So Much

2006-02-22T02:53:00.000-06:00

Let's talk music for a second.

The band INTERPOL has been all the rage for about 2 years or so. I just checked them out today. And yeah....not-s'much!! I listened to their album "Antics."

I boiled my dislike for them down to one obvious thing: The lead singer's voice is monotonous, colorless, I HEAR A FOGHORN....BOOOOORING!
The songs are not bad, but are a little on the strange side. I wouldn't recommend a purchase of their album.

However, I DO recommend the band The Bravery. Their debut, self-titled album is reminiscent of everyone's all-time favorite, The Cure. In fact, the lead singer's voice resembles Robert Smith's. I'm not saying that The Bravery is The Cure's mini-me. There is a resemblance, but The Bravery has an eclectic, fresh sound that I was glad to have encountered!

While we're on the subject of likes and dislikes, may I just go on the record and say that I LOVE crab rangoon. I first tried it this summer and can now say that I am addicted. I took a trip to my favorite Thai restaurant and chowed down.

I also ordered Rama Chicken, and was pretty disappointed. I think the crown for that dish goes to Thai Bowl in the city. Their peanut sauce is out of this world orgasmic. Their service, however, can use LOTS of help.

I'll have more reviews on different things soon! Happy Wednesday, readers.

QOTD
"I was so damn good, I had to go back and do myself twice!"
-Drunk Lady @ the bar talking abt masturbating.-

"I'm All At Sea"

2006-02-21T01:40:00.000-06:00

Nenninator's Blog turns one on February 24th- expensive gifts will be accepted, no, DEMANDED.

Revelations rule. Revelations that seep into my soul rule EVEN more. :)

Watch out world, I'm on my way.

QOTD
"How's your gayble?"
-Andy commenting on a table of 4 men that were on a Double Date-

It Is What It Is

2006-02-11T02:56:00.000-06:00

Usually I crave solitude. Usually, I can't wait til everyone leaves the house and I am alone and I can blast my music, or read in peace...etc.

Lately, it's been different. I'm actually feeling lonely.

Take today for example. I got a WHOLE lot of shit done. I paid my bills, went to the bank, went to the library, paid my fees and got a new card, stopped at the post office, bought my first book-o-stamps, went to lunch, and then to the movies, all by myself. I was alright, don't get me wrong, but for the first time, I felt so lonely.

I didn't feel awkward. I just wished for someone's presence. Someone I knew. I engaged in a few conversations with strangers, which was great, but there was something I was missing. It was when I was waiting in line at the movies that I wished I had stayed home. My friend John from Loyola was in line with his beautiful girlfriend. We talked for a bit, then we went our separate ways. I was informed by the cashier that the heat in the theater I was going to was busted and that it was "Verrrry cold in there."

Great.

She wasn't lying. Good thing I like to layer up.

I wound up being the only shmuck in the theater. The movie was sub-par, and I wanted a refund. This was nothing like my last solo movie outing.

So, after the douche-bag flick, I got into my car, and shuffled through the gazillion cds I took out from the library and had myself a FANTASTIC drive home. Singing out loud in the car is one of my most favorite things to do :)

I'm sure I'll get over this. It's just a silly little funk. Like my pal Ray says, "It IS what it is!" You just have to deal accordingly. I have dealt with it the wrong way, the needy way. Never again.

Happy belated birthday to my niece Selina and my nephew Angel :)

Physics and the Treasure Hunt

2006-02-10T01:08:00.000-06:00

So Benny served for as good a court jester as any. I had a fun night at work today. Benny never fails to make me laugh.

He was telling me and Rodney that he's romantic because he's European. I think it's just because he's from the old school, but whatever, romance is romance. So, anyway, he was telling us about the "treasure hunt." This was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard of.

Basically, you send your lover-man or woman around the city finding clues to get to you. You send them to the flower shop where they get a bouquet of flowers and directions to go somewhere else....you build the suspense and at the end "you're the treasure!" says Benny. Hahaha...no at the end, you find each other and go off on some romantic vacation. That, of course, is a treasure hunt for rich people, but I'm sure it can be done on a lower scale for po' folk.

Then he proceeded to do what he called a "physics project" at the bar, which I still think was just something he saw on Bill Nye the Science Guy. Either way, it was funny! And it worked too!! It involved matches, a wine glass, and water.

I don't work until 9 p.m. tomorrow and I must say that I have NEVER started work at 9p.m. like EVER in my life. For some reason, Ben wants me to come in and bartend then. I don't even ask him why anymore, I find that that leaves room for SO many elements of surprise and randomness.

Ok, off to watch Cinderella Man, then sleep. Gotta take my mumsy to breakfast tomorrow! MmmmmBUTTERMILKpancakes.......drool.....
p.s. Josh, thanks for the flourescent pigs!! :)

WANTED: COURT JESTER.

2006-02-09T14:58:00.000-06:00

sometimes, dramatic things get overwhelming.

i need a little light-heartedness right about now.

tell me a joke! make me laugh! make me smile! be my court jesters, all of ya! ;p

no seriously though, i'm overwhelmed by my own drama as well as the drama everyone brings this way. LET'S LAUGH A LITTLE! SHIT!

I'm going to the movies tonight. That helped last time.

It's Lyric Time Again!!!!

2006-02-07T20:19:00.000-06:00

Read these lyrics by Keith Urban and MELT like I did.
These words made me swoon. I just heard this song last night.
Bradwell, play this for your lady-wife then thank me later.

Making Memories of Us
I'm gonna be here for you, baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard

I wanna sleep with you forever...
And I wanna die in your arms...
In a cabin by the meadow where the wild bees swarm-

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you...
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother.
And I wanna learn from your pa'
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw...

I wanna stand out in a crowd for you...
A man among men.
I wanna make your world better than its ever been.

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you...
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day coming your way...

I'm gonna be here for you from now on...
this you know somehow
You've been stretched to your limits, but its alright now.

And I'm gonna make you a promise...
If there's life after this...
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss.

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us.

Finally Got Some Decent Wangs!!

2006-02-02T13:43:00.000-06:00

After weeks of being utterly disappointed by the cheap attempts of other restaurants to make edible spicy chicken wings, Edgar and I wisened up and just went to Hooters.

What were we thinking waiting so long to go there?! We were greeted by a 40-something year-old waitress who maybe should have retired the uniform 15-18 years ago, but that wasn't our business. We ordered all sorts of good shit from the old-timer. Raw oysters for me, 10 buffalo shrimp, curly fries, and 20 wings (TMI spiced- this is inbetween hot and 911.) And of course, we had some delicious ranch and blue cheese dressing to dip this all in. Hot "wangs" ain't hot "wangs" without beer. Oh yes, the Nenster drank beer.

WHAT?! NEN DRANK BEER?

I found a beer I like, and he liked it too. A pitcher and two extra pints of Blue Moon later, we found ourselves at the c.d. re-sale shop going nuts because we only had 20 minutes to look around, and you can only imagine what was going on in our bladders after drinking that much Blue Moon.

Who knew you could have THAT much fun at Hooters? We had a blast! He said he thought I was really cool for going there. But I honestly mean it when I say, I go there for the food. :)

QOTD
"Sometimes I think about how retarded the other sperm must have been if I won the race."
-Jeremy-

The Things You Always Do

2006-01-30T14:24:00.000-06:00

The song I posted on the last blog is one I just heard last week and loved immediately.

Sorry I haven't posted since then.

My mother knows me so very well. This morning, she said to me "I brought you breakfast." Breakfast came in a Portillos bag. Breakfast was a greasy, delicious Italian Beef/Sausage combo. Not very many people can stomach such a massive meal so early in the morning, but heart-attacks on a plate are what tickle my palate's fancy.

I like that she knew that about me. I like the little habits and quirks that we know about each other simply because we spend that much time together.

I like knowing that Jess is home because I hear her stomping all the way upstairs. I like how I know that daddy falls asleep at approximately the same time every evening while watching soccer or a movie- or how he knows which days I shouldn't park on certain sides of the street because of street sweep. We live on a corner, so we have to watch out about parking on a few streets.

My phone rings incessantly in the morning. LORD only knows who calls THAT much THAT early in the morning because you can bet your ass I don't get up to answer. My family already knows how much I love to sleep.

Well, off I go to find something to drink. Preferably, something unhealthy.

Leave me some comments about the quirks and habits of your loved ones.

"SHE DON'T TELL ME TO"

2006-01-25T14:40:00.000-06:00

Every now and then, on my way home, I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, an' I pick a few...
'Cause she don't tell me to.

I go out with my boys all right,
But most of the time I call it a night before they do,
'Cause she don't tell me to.

Sunday mornin', I'm in church-
And my butt, and my back, and necktie hurt, but I'm in the pew,
She don't tell me to.

Any other woman I know would have tried to control me and it would be over-
Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude.
All of that stubborness melts away when I wake with her head on my shoulder,
An' I know I've got to love her until my life is through,
'Cause she don't tell me to.

Well, I got demons and I've got pride
But when I'm wrong, I apologize like she's mine to lose
'Cause she don't tell me to.

Well, I got dreams in this heart of mine, But nothin' that I wouldn't lay aside if she asked me to.
'Cause she don't tell me to.

An' she don't even know that she keeps me lookin' for the next right thing to do-
'Cause she don't tell me to.

Any other woman I know would have tried to control me and it would be over. Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude.
And all of that stubborness melts away when I wake with her head on my shoulder.

And I know I've got to love her until my life is through
What else can I do?
I love her...
'Cause she don't tell me to. She don't tell me to.

Every now an' then, on my way home, I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, and I pick a few, Yes I do.

BY: MONTGOMERY GENTRY

Taking A Dive

2006-01-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

Daddy came home last night. I missed him and I was eager to hear his stories, and I was eager to know if he brought back my guitar.

Well, I was so freakin eager, that on my way down the stairs to the living room to the front door...I missed about 2 or three steps and went flying into the living room, twisting my right ankle in a way that caused such immense pain, I had enough time to think that maybe ankle twisting is how they should punish criminals. No offense, Dril, my Turkish reader, but I'm just sayin'.

My sister Boner got to see it all and as I was laying there on the floor screaming, I heard her trying not to laugh. I wasn't mad- it WAS pretty funny.

But, here I sit, 15 hours later with a swollen, possibly sprained ankle.
Funny how I thought it was symbolic....me having fallen. That's how I've felt these past few days, as if I had taken a painful dive, face-first.

Before I get too sentimental about that, I'm going to tell you one of my dad's stories.

Daddy essentially went to visit my grandmother (his mother) who has a severe case of Alzheimers, who has been living with the pain of having lost her spouse (my grandpappy, Ramon) about 4 years ago.

One of the nights that he was there, he decided to sleep next to my grandmother, who had already fallen asleep. He said that when he lay down next to her, she didn't stir, she was fast asleep. However, a few hours later, he heard her wake.

She touched his face in the dark, she touched his ears, his hair, sat up, and asked:
"Eres Ramon?" ::translation:: "Are you Ramon?"

My dad told her it was her son.

Tears. She cried the rest of the night. I guess the sweet gesture of sleeping next to his momma while he still had her turned out all wrong for my pop, and I felt so bad for him.

He always comes home with heart-touching stories. Daddy's pretty deep, but no one really knows it. I am starting to see that he is where I get that from. What I got from my mom is being outwardly over-emotional, and IT SUCKS! I think I scare people sometimes. But depth....I'll take depth anytime.

p.s. Daddy came through and brought me back a BEAUTIFUL acoustic guitar of which I will post pictures later.

QOTD
"Yay, a message!! And it BETTER be from someone attractive."
-Jeremy-

"It was as if he had found the cure for cancer...or gained two inches on his penis and lost two on his stomach."
-Jeremy-

Alaina's Mom: Oh my God! I'm 45! I'm middle-aged, I should start knitting or something!

Alaina: You don't knit!

Alaina's Mom: Well now I have to!

bonerbonerbonerboner

2006-01-19T02:06:00.000-06:00

You know the kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt?
Well my mother made me laugh THAT hard tonight.

We were on our way out of the airport where we had just blown kisses and waved goodbye to daddy.

Outside, I say to my sister, whom I call boner, "I wonder if mom knows what a boner is." My mother primarily speaks spanish, but knows enough english to bullshit with you. So my sister, Boner, turns to my mother and says: "Mom, say boner."

From that moment on, I was laughing uncontrollably. All through the parking lot to our truck my mother kept saying "boner" repeatedly.

Upon entering the car, my mother then asks me "So, Nen, que es boner?"

That just made me laugh harder- to the point where I had to exit the vehicle.

"Mom pleeaaase stop!!" No dice.

I had to go outside because my stomach hurt so much, I was laughing that hard. So, I make the mistake of opening the door. Why was it a mistake, Nen? Because all I heard was my mom going: "bonerbonerbonerboner."

I slam the car door shut, and by this time, I am cackling outside, and passers-by will never know that it was because my sister made my mother say a dirty word.

Finally, I composed myself and found the strength to get back in the car.

I get in and of course she says boner again.

"Mom, seriously, do you know what you're saying?!"

"HahahahHahhah!!! Si, es un pajaro parado." ::Translation:: "hahahhahaha, yes, it's an erect wanker."

SHE KNEW IT ALLL ALONG, THAT LITTLE TWIRP.

Anyway, BONER.

QOTD
"I told you how to scratch a scrotum, right?"
-Edgar-

"I'm trying to keep a constant stream of wakey-wakey."
-Edgar-

"Nen, why don't you lock your doors? Anyone can jump in and kill your ass. You know negroes have a habit of doing that, right?"
-Randy-

I Had The Only Real Boobs In The Place

2006-01-16T00:03:00.001-06:00

Really, I did. Granted, they're small, but they're real.

This past week, I accompanied Edgar to his boss' birthday party.

The boss was a trip and a half, man. What makes him so trippy?
Well, he had 6 of his ex-girlfriends there, and put two of them to work as bartenders. That, my friends, deserves an "LOL" as the kids like to say these days.

Anyway, as I looked around, I saw asses that had to have been forklifted into dresses and boobs that were carelessly...or, rather, purposely hanging out of tops. I realized that I had sauntered into "gold-digger" county. I now understand Mr. West. Completely. I mean, you should have seen the ears and boobs perk up when it was announced that one of the men there was a lawyer.

The party was fun, though, even if we were stuck listening to the musical stylings of KISS.

I realized tonight how much I missed my pal Jeremy at work. We all hung out tonight and I haven't laughed that hard in so long. He even let me take a picture of him with his pants down. I'll consider posting it up later, depending on how many of you approve of that in the comment section.

QOTD
"Hurry- mom's killin' us with her jokes."
-Cindy-

"I'm way better at thrusting."
-Jeremy-

My First Time

2006-01-09T02:00:00.000-06:00

Instead of turning left onto Maple tonight, I turned right towards 31st street and made my way to Yorktown theater after work.
I decided to try something new tonight.

I went to go see Woody Allen's Match Point. Alone.

It was the best movie-going experience ever and I would SO do it again.

I've heard it said that going to the movies alone is enjoyable, but I always thought it was kind of lame, and who knows, it might be, but then if that's the case, I'm lame.

It really truly is enjoyable. Walking into the theater by myself was a little awkward, but once I staked out my little corner in the back, I knew this could become my new thing.

The movie itself was WACKED out and if you want to witness how horrible married adults can be, go see it. I only had a very vague idea as to what the flick was about, so when I saw the whole thing, I was blown away by the atrocities that people commit but never own up to. Crazy director, what did I expect?

Anywho, I won't ruin the movie. That skank Scarlett Johansson stars in it. She annoyed me in this movie....actually, all of the characters did, except for one, and he had a minor role.

So, in summation, my first time to the movies alone = TWO THUMBS UP.

The movie itself = I have a headache (Seriously, I do) but it was worth the $8.50 (God bless student discounts.)

QOTD
"I hate doing favors for women I'm not sleeping with."
-Jeremy-

"I'm still waiting for an erection from Sarge from that Viagra I gave him...::Giggles:: I can't see it!"
-My Boss, kinda drunk, talking about my manager, Greg-

"People should just date according to their disease."
-Laura-

My Larynx Is On Fire

2006-01-03T19:37:00.000-06:00

Really, it is.

Friday night I had this raspy Demi Moorish thing going on which quickly progressed into a faint whisper which quickly progressed into monkey sign language because the only American sign language words I know are "cookie" and "more." This, of course, would benefit me if I wanted "more cookies" during my devastatingly sickly New Years, unfortunately, that was not the case.

So, now I'm back to the raspy voice, but if I don't keep my yap shut, I could probably regress, so I'll write.

I don't know if I can graciously take another "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse" joke. I mean, my own mother was ripping on me.

Strangely enough, this entire weekend, I've been drinking hot beverages, eating hot soups, but ate ice cream last night, and had a soda with ice and found my voice returning.....methinks the Mexican myth of not consuming cold edibles during a cough or cold or things of that nature is a pile of fecal matter! YEAH I SAID IT!

Well, I'm gonna go read now and watch some bad t.v. after that. Thank Brad and Anna for writing to me to bitch that they thought I was dead. They got me off my ass and back into blogspot. And that is why I will marry them. Both.

One More

2005-12-15T10:40:00.000-06:00

Just got out of Fr. Tobin's final about 20 minutes ago (10:20) and not for nothin', but I do believe I have pillaged the crackers out of that final. This could very well be because I double studied for this final (those of you who read the last post know why) as well as because I really loved this class.

And now, here I sit, with an INCREDIBLE urge to go the hell home and lay down because my monthly visitor has decided to arrive today, the day before my BIGGEST, SCARIEST final.
So yeah, here I sit, cramping, dying of hunger, yes, dying, let me be dramatic, I've earned it, and sleep-deprived. I wonder what time Thai Grill opens....

I just ran into Dr. Dye. He was basically last semester's Fr. Costigan by way that I loved him sooo much!! He was like "Jen! What's up? I hear your'e graduating!" He asked what my plans were and I told him I wanted to work before grad school and he says:

"Yeah, that's a good plan. I wish I had done that. All I did was fuck around my first year of grad school. I played ping-pong the whole time."

PING PONG?! LOL....I shit you not, this is EXACTLY what this man told me and this conversation happened about 5 minutes ago, so it's still fresh in my cabeza. RANDOM? I think yes! And that is why I loved him.

I think Thai Grill opens at 11, so once I'm done here, I'm trecking over there to get some food. Also, I have meds in my car to alleviate this monstrous pain called cramps. Oh well, at least I'm not barfing this month.

Yeah, dude, girls have it bad sometimes! I bet some guys didn't know that! I mean, apart from the whole PMS stuff and the cramping, there are other symptoms that appear with menstruation that make women want to hang themselves, i.e.: bloating, nausea, vomitting, fatigue, cravings...etc, etc. And then you fucktards wonder why we get so messed up at this time. YOU SEE? I JUST CALLED YOU FUCKTARDS!

I wonder what the Iguana deals with on a monthly basis. I hope Mrs. Iguana is calm and kind.
As far as moodiness goes, I manage to keep that under control unless you're a total idiot and I can't stand you. Other than that, it's all just extreme fatigue and crazy cravings. You know what's real funny? This horrendous "natural cycle" will still be here on Saturday, the biggest day of my life! Ok, maybe not the biggest, but it's big to me! Graduation, then dinner at Iberico, then partying at Buzz later on....who the hell wants to be in this condition?! Not I, so I will jump into my time machine at 7pm central time, and go back about a week to when I was not in this sorrowful condition. Who wants to come with me? My time machine kicks all sorts of time machine ass. You're better off accepting my invitation- either that or make me a sandwich.

QOTD
"Oh Mennyyyy....you came and you brought me a Juanieeee...."
-Lilly (to the tune of 'Oh Mandy')

Me:Memo your balls!
Lilly:I did, but they never reply.

Lilly: He sounds chocolate.
Me: But he's not.
Lilly: Yeah, I think he's wearing a white man suit.

"New Orleans is open again?"
-Lilly-

GUESSING GAME.

2005-12-13T15:24:00.000-06:00

At approximately 3:49 this morning, I laid down to catch 30 minutes worth of Zzz's. Set the alarm for 4:20 to jump right back into those books. Ideal, right?

Yeah, that would work if I weren't a sleep-a-holic who is addicted to sleep-a-hol. By sleep-a-hol, I mean sleep.

So guess who woke up at 8:02 a.m.? (I'll give you a second to gather your thoughts.)

Yeah, now guess whose final was at scheduled at 8:30 a.m.?

Ok, moving along, guess who got to school, went to class to take a final only to find that she had studied for the WRONG FINAL and was standing in the WRONG BUILDING?

(I hope you've gotten the answers right.)

Finally, guess who had to rely on her b.s. skills and FAULTY ass memory to Forrest Gump her way through COSTI'S FINAL?

At any rate, I'm glad the morning is behind me. After picking up grad info from Joyce Knight, I made a few stops, and am now home staring wantingly at my bed and pillow.

Nizzzap love!!!

Just Tell Your Boss You Have Shit to Do

2005-12-12T20:18:00.001-06:00

I had to work tonight, so off I went with my backpack in hand bc Mondays are generally dead. Usually, on Monday nights, Zack-o-lantern and I switch off between bartending and serving, but either way, we watch sitcoms on the big screen and play with the Satellite radio until we find something we like. As expected, there wasn't much goin' on when I got there, so I sat next to my boss, Benny, and started working on a paper.

Ben asked me what I was doing. He knows I'm graduating on Saturday.
I told him about my computer woes and that I was working on a paper. First, he said I could leave in like 2 hours. Then, after a few minutes of looking around, he's like "you know, actually, you can go now if you want. You should have called to tell me you had shit to do!" I started cracking up because this would only happen at a privately owned restaurant with managers as cool as mine.

Finals week. I'm really only deathly scared about Friday's final.

Bought a new c.d. today, it was time for a new one. His name is Amos Lee and I first heard his song "Arms of a Woman" on Meghan's website. I bought the album in good faith of Meg- I trusted she would not let me down. While opening the c.d., not only did I curse the ever-annoying plastic-wrap, sticker peel-off packaging of cd's, but I said that for Meg's sake, the album better not suck. She's in the safe zone. Not an ounce of suck-juice in Amos' tunes, probably because he wrote them all.

So far, my favorite song on the album is one called "Colors" because it reminds me of ::strawberries-n-sugar::and::raspberries, not the fruit::

The first track, "Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight," makes it evident that life can kick you in the ass sometimes, but you have to know how to roll with it.

"Well I walked over the bridge into the city where I live and I saw my old landlord.
We both said hello, there was nowhere else to go cause his rent I couldn't afford..
Relationships change, I think it's kinda strange how money makes a man grow....
But the people on the street, out on buses or on feet, we all got the same bloodflow.
Oh in society every dollar got a deed, we all need a place we can go...
Sometimes we forget what we got-
Who we are, oh and who we are not,
I think we got a chance to make it right if we keep it loose, keep it tight.
Sometimes we forget who we got-
Who they are, and who they are not....
There is so much more in love than black in white...
Keep it loose child, gotta keep it tight..."

The World is Awake for Somebody's Sake

2005-12-11T19:41:00.000-06:00

I went to Target today and spent WAY more than I wanted to. I did, however knock off 5 people from my shopping list of 9. So, $100+ later, I have 4 more peeps to go. I had so much fun picking things out for people, though.

Some of you, very few of you (readers) know that I've had one crap-tastic week. As my pal Ricky once said, "I'm glad it's today, and not yesterday."

Saturday night at work was a series of ups and downs. Down on my way there, down when I got there, up about an hour after arriving because my manager is an old friend and cheered me and Jeremy up with shots, three to be exact. Up throughout the party I had to work because 3 tequila shots help, and you can't let up while you're supposed to be pretending to be happy. Down...hard...when everyone left the room.

Today was not as hard as yesterday, by far. But, I got really pensive at Target just bc of the things that I knew I was limited to do once I got home.
Once here, I sat at my cluttered desk, jumped on AIM and was greeted by Ms. Anna. First words she types: "I love you!" That was a God-wink. I needed to hear that today. Then, Sherly called me to tell me about Sam- how she looks, what she's like, and what giving birth was like for her. That was also a God-wink, hearing about the wonder of giving birth. Not too much later, my Kakeo called to say hello. I haven't talked to these women in a while, so it was such a pleasure to hear from them. Thanks for not forgetting me, girls.

Down now because I found pictures that I took in October on my messy, cluttered desk. Lucky for me, I have not forgotten that I have stellar friends. Lucky for me, I have stellar friends!! Last night, three of them proved themselves, though they were never asked to. They are selfless and loving and I would fight to the death to never have them leave my life. I thought about this long and hard today and I think that love is loudest when it is displayed not because one is asked to do something, but when someone exceeds all expectations and does things because they want to. Love was shown when Lilly drove here from Niles to be with me. Love is standing in the rain, no matter how wet you get. Love is finding the person you love waiting at your doorstep. Love is a series of kisses on your face, and a blanket to keep you warm at night. Love is so many things, but if it's anything, it is always going beyond everyone's expectations, and always worth a fight.

So to those of you who have touched my life and know it, thank you for sharing your beautiful hearts with me.

QOTD
"I have the worst comprehensive final tomorrow. My teacher can eat it."
-Anna-

"The spider bit me in my sleep right on my waistline. I can't wear pants. Well, I mean, I can wear pants...I'm not sitting here nude from the waist down."
-Anna-

"Thats not a blanket, that's a headwrap!"
-Juan abt a blanket in Lilly's car-

Costi Freekin Rules

2005-12-09T12:17:00.000-06:00

I was walking around campus today trying to find Costi to tell him that I had "printer problems" and then ask if I could turn the paper in late. While walking from Crown Center, which is located alllll the way at the back of the campus, to the Jesuit Residence, where he lives, I found myself actually frolicking in the snow, and laughing- OUT LOUD- TO MYSELF! I wished that I had time to make a snow angel and have a snowfight, except there was no one there to amicably throw snow at and I had to get to another class that I was already late to. But seriously, when I get home, I'm so gonna make some calls and organize a snow fight when theres another snowfall as sexy as the one yesterday.

So I talked to Costi and he said I could turn in the paper whenever, just as long as it gets turned in. I love him and he loves me :)

I miss the JJ. Freddy and Jew have managed to usurp it as their own. BUT IT'S MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!

QOTD
"You know what your problem is? You have complicated shoes."
-Freddy-

"It's funny cause I said Muslims."
-Juan-

SWEET ASS QOTD
"She fuckin makes me soooooo happy! I can't wait to get the hell outta this semester and OD on her."
-Juan talking about Ms. Lilly- ::let's all sigh in unison!::

"Come home, Nen"

2005-12-07T13:54:00.000-06:00

Really, I shouldn't be sitting here posting a blog- but what the hey- I've gotten by fairly smoothly by being Procrastination McGee all my life, why stop now?

Costi got all 5's from me in the course evaluations today. He is too cool for school, that Costi.

He's not cool for assigning a 12-24 pager ON TOP OF AN 8:30 a.m. final next week.

I had a rough night last night. I'm not broken today, and I'm not devastated, but I just feel emotional exhaustion. I would love to sit somewhere warm with willow trees, all by myself, no phones, no emails, no television, not even music, and I want to read the book on Zen Buddhism that Mr. Macke gave me and never mind the world. Fuck the world as of now. I'm tired of it.
I sorely need solitude and the words in this book.

Maybe in January, I can go to Texas (which if ya'll remember from one of my very first posts, is my favorite state) to see my favorite gays. They work all the time anyway- so I'd def. be alone for some time. I sometimes crave solitude bc I grew up in a monstrously big family where the words 'privacy' and 'alone' were eradicated from the dictionary. I generally enjoy the company of others, but there are times when I just can't process my thoughts with every little thing resonating in my everyday world.

Ok- seriously, it's time to get down to business and X out those papers I've gotta do.
I'm pre-apologizing for the lack of posts (which are lacking partly bc my net at home is dysfunctional and partly bc of finals) so don't bitch.
With much affect,
the Nenninator

SCOTT STAPP IS A TURD

2005-12-02T11:33:00.000-06:00

It's already December.

Two more weeks til graduation.

My mother is making me put up the Christmas tree, probably because she knows I'm a decorative genius, or because she doesn't want to do it herself. YOU decide.

My sister is a PAIN IN THE ASS. I can't stand her sometimes.

20 days and I turn 23- there's nothing exciting about 23, unless there's some secret 23 year olds guild that I'm in the dark about.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had a girl that they named Violet. What is that baby, 84?
Violet Affleck. ::sigh:: In the words of Laura Rico, "Oh brother."

Scott Stapp (the idiot lead singer from the talentless band, Creed) got into a fist-fight with the band members of 311. It is reported that 311 felt sorry for the bastard as they pounded his face in.

There have been 1,000 executions in the nation since like..I forgot when...But the 1,oo1st execution wil be done tonight in South Carolina.

I work at 6:30 p.m. tonight....I can't wait to be surrounded by drunk 20- somethings!!
SARCASM PEOPLE. IT'S A GOOD BOOK! READ IT!

I will abruptly end the blog here as I must depart bc i'm ditching Costi's class today.
Love. Nen.

Welcome, Samantha

2005-11-30T10:27:00.000-06:00

So apparently I forgot to tell you what a brownstar is. Well, working with more boys than I've ever worked with before, I'll warn you now, I'll be learning things are that are more crude than Paris Hilton's ladyparts....whoreparts. Her name and the word lady should never be in the same sentence. AAaaaaanywho, I found out that when a person says brownstar, he or she is referring to the anus 'cause apparently it looks like a star...a star that is brown. Now, I've never really examined anyone's anus, but I did however, take an honors Anatomy course my senior year in H.S. and I can confirm that the anus does indeed resemble a brown star. And that, my friends, is what a brownstar is.

**The best part is when Mike prank calls the cab company using a middle eastern voice, asking for a cab to pick him up at 752 brownstar- the street in berwyn, right by "hardon." Heeeeheee Oh the joys of working with these geeks. It's truly a hilariom time.**

Lately, I've realized all the things I'm being exposed to that I've never been exposed to before. I realize that it's important for people to develop strong shells as well as good connections. Knowing the right people in the right places can truly be a blessing. If I had the friends that my boss has, pshhh....there's no telling how rampant I'd run. :)

But on a more serious side, I've been exposed to the reality that like EVERYONE and their mother does drugs, more specifically coke. I don't know what the big deal is about sniffing shit through your nose to get your jollies- drink a fucking redbull, eat a sugar packet. However, now, whenever I hear someone sniffing a lot, I'll look at em like "omg did he just snort a line?" when before it was like "that dude has a cold." I can't help but feel like a chip of my innocence has been taken! Innocence, naivete...you decide. I've never really cared to know anything about drugs except what some of their effects are.

On a totally unrelated, beautiful note, I'd like to welcome little Samantha Jaski into the world. She was supposed to arrive a few weeks from now, but apparently, she has decided that she was done incubating. Congratulations on your new little cutie pie, Sherly and Steve. I can't wait to meet the petit bebe. :) I have yet to meet Anjelica's french burrito...wowsers....too many babies.

The depeche mode concert was PHENOMENAL. David Gahan is such a frackin diva, it's insane. WOOO HOOOOO!!! "OHHH!"<----What he was constantly screaming out during songs.

QOTD
"What a sexy homo."
-Sandy- (abt David Gahan)

X-Rated QOTD
"...but they're great in sweatpants."
-Edgar- (in continuation from his last quote on the x-rated quotd)

LOL I learned what a brownstar is

2005-11-29T01:41:00.000-06:00

My computer got fixed from last spring when my personal settings froze on me and I never again got to hear my cool Led Zeppelin or my cool Foo Fighters songs. That is, until tonight.

My brother is a fabulous man for taking this Dell to his friend and givin me back my Zeppelin "that's the way."

I'm so FRACKIN sick of school, it's insanity sauce.

I was trudging to stats this morning, muttering all the way up to the 4th floor like "mother flowers, what the devil I hate school so much, when is it over?!"

Seriously, I'm sick of trying anymore. What a time to feel like that huh? Two weeks before school is over...

Good news- I'm making a killing at the new job. It is, however, a back breaking place. I come home tired as heck, but my pocket's full.

You have no idea how much I missed financial independence.

You also have no idea how much more I appreciate money and how much I want to save and not spend!

I REALLY want to sing at borders again. The last time I sang there I did Kelly Coffey's "When you Lie Next to Me" which I wouldn't mind doing again along with Bonnie Raitt's "Love me like a Man."

And guitar players out there interested? Mmm? Mmmm?

Ok, I'm out.

QOTD
"Sometimes I wish we didn't have noses so we could totally mash our faces together."
-Edgar-

"XENA- WARRIOR CLEAVAGE"
-big Kev-

X-RATED QOTD
"Boners hurt in jeans."
-Edgar-

"But seriously, do you know any girl that would actually say 'oh my God, I'm about to climax'? If a woman can actually lay there and formulate that sentence during sex, it's obviously not that great."
-Evan commenting on R.Kelly's Trapped in the Closet songs-

COOL "YER" JETS, SON

2005-11-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

OH MY GOD, HOW ARE YOU?! I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN FOREVER!
Sorry I've been gone so long. I know it get frustrating to check out someone's blog just to find they haven't posted JACK.

Well, let's see...quite a bit has happened since I last posted. But, most importantly, I am graduating in less than one month. And even more importantly, I have my interview with TFA in a couple of weeks. And on top of that, I'm turning 23 in about a month. December will be jam-packed with all sorts of events.

It seems I have played Cupid again, but this time, I didn't have to do much work at all. These two just seemed to naturally drift to one another- like a given pull. And they're so cute, they make me want to vomit pink hearts and flowers. Really, they are adorable. It could just be that I'm finally seeing two very good people get the treatment they deserve, and it just so happens that the two are good friends of mine. I wish them the best :)

So, seriously though, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've just been feeling semi rut-ish. The last time I felt like that, all of my blogs were depressing and I am not gonna do that to you guys again.

On a brighter note, the Depeche Mode concert is on the 29th and Edgar just called to say he managed to get good seats to the Coldplay concert this spring. Do you have any idea how orgasmic getting to see Coldplay will be? If that happens, I will have seen all of my favorites in concert. Dido, Incubus, John Mayer...all I needed was a little Chris Martin & Co.

Gonna try a little somethin' new on QOTD today....

QOTD
"Is my shirt too gay, Nenny?"
-Juan-

"They're all the same! Allah this, Allah that, Nitroglycerine this, TNT that..."
-Juan-

"If not, I will punch you in your man-beans"
-Juan-

X-RATED QOTD
"Yep Doc...got first degree burns in m'lady hole!"
-Lilly after listening to her coworkers say there was such a thing as a thermal condom-

"Oh God I hate the taste of wang."
-Rob-

"Ready to take new strides"

2005-11-10T19:13:00.000-06:00

I've got too much on my mind to concentrate on my priorities. I hate it when that happens. Especially when that priority is a huge stats exam that can make or break you.

Suddenly, I've been reminded of the past and I don't know what to make of it.

I had a few words with God today. I asked Him to lead me into the direction in which He wants me to be. I asked that He puts me wherever His will can be done. He has a plan for me. He always calms my nerves like nothing can.

I'm getting thrown into my first shift at my new temporary job tomorrow night.

Teach for America emailed me yesterday. "We are very impressed with your application and would like to learn more about you." That = an interview on December 7th. Pray for me please, people. If I get into Teach for America, not only will I be working with an organization that is pushing for social change, but I will gain so much insight into the core of the world's problems. I will grow as a person by watching and guiding the growth and confidence of those I teach. If I get into Teach for America, I will probably need lots of support because it's a long committment- 2 years. I hope they station me in Chicago- my world is in Chicago. I hope that whatever happens, I am that much closer to fulfilling my purpose on this planet.

Edgar wrote some poetry for me this morning. I think it's beautiful. It captures my nature and the exact situation that I am in:

On the precipice of change
You stand, ready to take new strides
The paths of life, so oftentimes obscured by uncertainty
Open
Giving life to new potential
Experiences awating their rightful birth
Born unto one so willing to nurture them
The gifts you have been given
Will awaken soon as well
In order to protect that which this world so silently strives to encourage

QOTD
"I'm not gonna lie, that gave me a little lady-wood."
-Lilly-

"..or make babies in the library...so they can be smart babies."
-Juan-

"Do you have money for a taco, or a soda?"
-My dad- (lol he's such a beaner, i love it)

"School can SUCK IT!"
-Anna-

Debt...and I thought I could escape you...

2005-11-06T13:58:00.000-06:00

When I agreed to having a credit card, I told myself I was mature enought to handle it.
However, when that card was the easy way of paying off $800 book fees every semester, it was easy to...."how do you say..." rack up my debt.

So now, I'm broke as a joke and need a fat loan or a fat lover named Dominic who deals drugs and makes butt-loads of money...so much money, that his pool is not filled with water, but with 100 dollar bills.

Capital One, please stop calling my house. I'm dodging your calls because I don't have the money you seek. You'll get your money- chill. Just let me find this fat lover I speak of.

QOTD
"Can you tell me how he manages to top his own gayness with every picture?
-Lilly-

"I miss your crazy ass. Not just your ass either. All of you. ALL of you!"
-Meghan-

"It's a wa-wa solo."
-Lilly at the Gavin DeGraw concert-

"Why is EVERYBODY gay?!"
-Lilly-

"I'll only be able to take good care of you for half of this month. Catch me after the 15th when I get my paycheck."
-Edgar-

May the Flight of Angels Lead you into Paradise...

2005-11-04T16:02:00.000-06:00

My great-grandmother, Teresa just passed away about an hour ago- I just found out.
The last time I ever saw her, she asked that I never forget her. She kissed me on the forehead, and then she kissed my hand and asked me to pray for her- all this while tears formed in her eyes. Maybe she knew I'd never see her again.

How ironic that I was just studying the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick in class yesterday. We talked about Donne's "Death Be Not Proud" and I remember agreeing to the theory that death is but a moment...a comma, not a semicolon.

I had never interacted with her much, as she never moved away from the small town in Mexico in which she was raised. However, even as a young kid, I fed off of her nurturing ways whenever we rode into Ojocaliente, Zacatecas, where she lived and died. She was about 98 or so; a nice long life she got to experience. I don't know why I'm this sad about a person I hardly interacted with. It might be because she was always so genuine everytime that I did see her. Truth always shines bright, and so, I'm sure, she will shine in Paradise...I'll see her again.

**Descanse en paz, abuelita Teresa. Nunca me podria olvidar de usted. Que Dios bendiga su alma.
Con amor imenso, Jenny.**

November Two

2005-11-01T23:50:00.000-06:00

I can't wait for the first snowfall.
I mean, I know I'll probably be kicking myself in the balls once I'm outside scraping snow off of my windshield....but for now, I'm picturing looking out the window watching thousands of little snowflakes, each one different, gracefully dancing into the atmosphere.

I was at school today from 11:30-10:30. Tell me that's not vomitrocious!

Bee and I have to present our project in math class tomorrow. November 2nd snuck up on us.

Walking through campus today, it hit me that this part of my life will end in a month and a half. December 16th is my last final as an undergrad, and I graduate on the 17th.
How thrilling!

I didn't tell you guys yet, but I applied to a program called Teach for America. If I am accepted, I will have a teaching position for 2 years teaching children in low-income areas. Nothing could be more gratifying. I'm waiting to hear back from them on the 9th of November. If I get in, then November truly is a magical month. Check out their website: www.teachforamerica.org

Sorry I don't post as often anymore- life got really busy all of a sudden!

QOTD
"White people scare me."
-Skerika-

"I tried that once! I tried to see if it was possible to kick myself in the balls! (she pauses....) And it's not!"
-Skerika-

Me: Awww Erika, you're so cute! I wanna put you in my pocket!
Erika: Awww, and I wanna be in your pocket.

"You can't love too much one part of it"

2005-10-30T16:52:00.000-06:00

Who the hell ever really knows what time it is the first day after daylight savings time kicks in?
I was on my way out to church today and I was so confused bc some of the clocks in the house don't change automatically. So, for the greater good of the blogspot readers, I'll report that it is indeed 4:21 p.m. on Sunday evening. I think.

I was told this weekend that I seem to have developed a pattern in my behavior. I have a wall of defense up when it comes to new people, but I am quick to bring it down. I was told that I am quick to bring it down because I fall for the good in people. Maybe this is all about that chicken heart that Christina from the OG once told me I had.

I was also told by someone else that I will be gravely disappointed by love if I keep up believing in its perfection. My mom always says that to me too. And yes, I finally admit that I idealize it. I just always thought that it should only be fair for that to exist. If there can be so many atrocities in the world, why can't it be balanced by perfect love? I think I realized last night that I am probably the only tool, yes, I said tool in the world to have that much hope in something that has such a minute possibility of ever occuring.

The only defense I have for myself is that in my world, perfection is not so hard. Let's not forget about subjectivity. I'm so easy to handle. For example, perfect love from my mother is when she makes me hot chocolate and tacos every morning. Perfect love from a friend is when Lilly stays at the library with me just so I wouldn't stay alone. From Edgar, bringing me tissue and hugging me this summer while I cried for about 45 minutes straight in his room, or bringing me a cappuccino blast 'cause I was sad. In those ways, love from the people around me has almost always been perfect, if you ask me. But- people slip. We all slip.

I used to think that one should never place any expectations on anyone, that way, you're never disappointed when something happens...or when something doesn't happen. Lately, I notice I've started to change my mind. There are certain people that deserve your expectations. To expect nothing from those you love is almost like saying its a free for all. I think that if my parents hadn't had such high expectations of me, I would not have had so much faith in myself- I would not care if I had a future ahead of me. I expect so much out of many of the people that read this very blog, just because I know you are upstanding people

What I learned this weekend is that it's ok to have expectations of people, so long as you're fully aware of their human nature. Humans can be ugly people sometimes. All of us are humans, all of us can behave like monsters sometimes, and not mean it. It just takes our ability to love a little stronger when those we love are not themselves. It's so easy to turn and run sometimes. But running never really makes you anything but insecure. Many times it will take forgiveness and fearlessness to avoid the flight. I think of one of my brothers, and his wife. Their story could have had a depressing ending had they not chosen to forgive. And now, they are so easy to admire as a couple. But I could not help but wonder....what the hell drove them to put their marriage at stake in the first place. Wasn't love enough? I think about my mother being estranged from one of her siblings. Where is love there? Why has it been blocked? Is their relationship not worth saving? I have to think about that more because I'm not clear on where to go with that concept.

A song called "Split Screen Sadness" says: "All you need is love is a lie 'cause we had love but we still said goodbye. Now, we're tired, battered fighters." I wonder if that's how my brother and his wife felt. I wonder if she had dreams of a beautiful wedding, a house, children, and a pet as a young girl. I wonder if when their problems arose, she dismissed the notion as a silly one, and thought to herself that it was safer then to not believe in anything at all. I wonder if my mother agrees with this verse, and feels like a "tired, battered fighter."

All I can say for sure at this point is that I am loved in so many ways by so many good people. Not sure where I'll go with these ideas, but as long as I know for certain that there is always one of the aforementioned good people just a phone call away, I can rest easy. I love you guys right back. So, remember, enough is never enough because we love each other. There are no limits to what I will do for those I keep so close to my heart.

QOTD
"Mom, you suck balls."
-Jodi-

"Ya gotta know your titties!"
-Random guy at yesterday's Halloween party-

Tuesday Sky

2005-10-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

I had a meeting this morning with Fr. Costigan. He gave me cookies and we talked about everything from library expansion to Father Bosco, a colleague of his. We talked for almost 30 minutes about everything but the course! Heehee. Costi rocks.

The sky today looked as if it was gonna crack open at any minute and release the wrath of God. It was bad ass, even if He did release some wrath....through my mother. Even still, I'm grateful for a stellar sky, beautiful wind, and a killer sunset.

Got an orientation meeting with Chicago Cares tomorrow evening. Once this is out of the way, I'll be able to schedule myself in for anything I'm free to volunteer for. You had to know that.

Good luck to my sister Randy, who has a job interview tomorrow. I hope you get the job if you belong there, Rand. Speaking of jobs, I need one. NOW. DESPERATELY. I need prayers that I am able to find a flexible job with decent pay that I can start immediately. Dude, school is over in about a month and a half and I can't freekin wait. A whole year is going to be dedicated to work so I can pay off my idiot-debt. Yes, I've somehow managed to probably ruin my credit for a hot minute. Well enough of that depression, let's move on to some QOTD, shall we?

QOTD
"Shut up! You don't own slurping!"
-Lilly-

"I want international mourners at my funeral!"
-Medgar-

"There's no such thing as a nap for you. I know full well that we're going to sleep when I say 'let's take a nap, baby!' Then I've got you for hours. Hey! Why am I telling you my secrets? Damn it! I need more secrets now!"
-Medgar-

"Mmmmm Stats! I mean...Mmmm stats!"
-Lilly-

2005-10-24T02:29:00.000-05:00

2005-10-24T02:25:00.000-05:00

RAUL & ABDUL

2005-10-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

Lilly and I will be referring to each other as team Raul and Abdul now, for your general information.

We saw A Day Without a Mexican at Finnegan auditorium and we were the only ones laughing out loud because the white people at loyola are afraid to be racial in public. Lilly and I, well, just I am pretty racial everywhere I go, no matter who is around. She's usually the one darting her eyes across the parameters to make sure those that I am offending are not around to hear the trash that comes out of my mouth. My defense? Hey, I hate on everyone JUST the same. (disclaimer: all loyola white people references exclude my beloved nick and anna.)

Waiting for Lil to show up, I saw Father Costigan (or Costi as I like to call him) taking an evening stroll. He did not notice me, but that gave me time to agree with myself even more about how darn cute he is. He is everything that a cute lil ol man should be. He verrrry slowly walked his way ALL around the length of Halas Field and then back towards Jes Res.

All signs around me keep pointing toward an alternative break immersion. The signs really are everywhere and very in my face. I also picked up a Peace Corps brochure today. I'd be 100% for it if it weren't 27 months that I'd be gone. That would take some convincing. I don't know how I would fare without all of the beautiful faces that grace my days. Well, all except my evil sister.

buona notte!!!

self-analysis in retrospect

2005-10-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

Thanks to those of you who read my stuff last post, and thanks for the nice feedback. :)
The poem about my grandfather was meant to display an element of childlike comraderie between a child and a grandparent. Pretty much everything in the poem is true.
He did pass away on his 82nd birthday; I found this to be the most remarkable.
This poem was meant to capture the essence of the relationship I had with my Mexican grandfather, who was very much a product of the machismo stereotype. Line 6, the one about him being carried around like a king symbolizes his patriarchy still very much vibrant even after death. The following line, about him sneakily dying on the day of his birth was written because my grandfather was one of the first persons with whom I ever had any sort of theological conversations with. We'd sit on the front steps of my house on Kildare, and he'd read excerpts from the Bible to me and my cousins, and then he'd explain them. There was always something special about sitting in the middle of a gang-infested neighborhood talking about God. He was so close to God, and he didn't care who knew it. I wouldn't doubt it if he bartered with God to have this one final wish. Towards the end of the poem was a commentary about me not being on the ground being dramatic about his death. Many of my cousins were busy displaying this sort of drama while he was being buried. The rest of us...well- I can only speak for myself. But, as I watched his coffin being carried toward the burial site, it was honor that I felt. It was a sense of "I know I'll see you soon enough" that washed over me. I bent down on one knee to touch the ground and feel what it was that would cover the small box that contained the corporal remains of someone I loved. Nothing, however, could cover what was really left behind. In my life, I got to experience this man head on. I got to experience his laughter, I got to experience his temper, I got to experience his sense of humor (the baby oil joke was soooo very true,) his theology- I got to piece together why he was the way he was, and he was always so open to sharing his past with me. In retrospect, I was always asking him questions. I wonder if he ever got sick of that. Anyway, they buried him in a white suit. Granted, that was only his body, and not his essence, but still, it wasn't very Rodolfo. (that was his name.) I really did wish hard that they had buried him not only wearing his jacket, but also in his favorite chair! If only that was possible.
The 3 lines that close the poem are very dear to me. "Crying's for girls, right papa?" is me wishing that I wish I had perhaps been touched by that stoic machismo. Not in a receptive sense, but more as an observer, 'cause man...I can be such an emotional wreck sometimes. In the 2nd to last line, I remind myself that I have learned a bit about that machismo, I remind myself that I was not crying. I remembered that I'd run into him again, 'cause the story doesn't end here. Being so confident of that, I made a commitment to bring him his favorite earthly possession.
With that said, here's poem number 2, titled Nikko (and I'll explain why in tomorrow's post) written last October. But, if any of you who read this come up with a good title for it, please leave ideas in the comment section.

NIKKO
October creeps in- slips past the pregnant month and waits to show his face.
He even makes the trees weep in true October style-
inviting the cold to stay until May returns.

No one sees him, but I notice him one Saturday night.
Yes, at the end of day two, we congregate and sit amidst loud, tasteless music, drunken banter about whose Benz is faster, and a neglected soccer game on the t.v. screen.
There his face is at the bottom of my glass-
And I feel him breathing down my neck.
And the bottom of my glass becomes a familiar sight.

He makes me aware- never lets me forget, that the last month makes me older.
He makes me aware, and always makes it explicit-

I am older all by myself.

With no one's eyes to look into at my front door when my nose is red and the moon is sharp and God sprinkles the substance of clouds

They don't see you, October-
Not the way I do.
Your enigmatic punishment follows me- even here.
They don't see it-
The way you pierce right through my already ailing hope with intents as deadly as cyanide.
They just see me, October-
Smiling through the freezing pain in true jaded lover's style.

Oh My God, I'm Sheryl Crow.

2005-10-18T01:43:00.000-05:00

I found some poems from last year (sad times.) I found that those works have a lot of heart, and they were so easy to write. What is it about sadness that makes it so easy to spill things out on paper? Well, here's one I wrote last March about my grandfather.

I ditched class to come here, you know.
And whose idea was it to send you off in that white suit?
You should have worn your favorite leather jacket.
Your new place is small.
I've seen your neighbors- they only come out when it rains-
those slimy little weirdoes.
How typical of you to be carried around like that-
like some sort of king.
And I know you did this on purpose, you sneaky old crab.
You and G-O-D were watching the calendar...
March 8th you come, March 8th you go...
with about 82 years in between, of course.
My inheritance?
Tons of awesome inside jokes-
Like the one about baby oil being made from real babies...
Wish I would have thought of a less funny one- that one always makes me laugh out loud.
Aunt Maria slaps my wrist, probably because I'm not on the ground yelling:
"WHY GOD? WHY?"
Well, I'm not yelling- and I'm certainly not crying...
'Cause crying's for girls, right Papa?
And I know I'll see you soon enough.
I'll make sure to bring your favorite leather jacket.

Check tomorrow's post for an analysis of this poem and perhaps another one from last year.

Birthday, Yacht, and Ingrates

2005-10-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

Ungrateful sons of the devil really piss me off. You know what pisses me off more? Ungrateful sons of the devil that upset my mother. I will tear that hooker's face off. This blog is to forewarn my readers that you may have to visit me in the big house.

Ok, ok, so I'm not going to do anything that will land me in jail. But you better believe that there will be some Nen-wrath released on this parasitic illegal ingrate! No one messes with Mama Mendez and gets away with it.

On a totally unrelated, sweeter note, my niece Lexi turned 9 on Saturday. She and her sister are some of the best-mannered children I've ever known. Without being told, she thanked (is that spelled right? is that even a word? Thanked....it just looks weird) and hugged those that brought her gifts. Happy 9th Birthday sweet Lexi :)

Also- if anyone knows where I can buy a yacht for cheap, send me a message. I owe Lilly BIG, and she chose a yacht.

QOTD
"Love gets angry too."
-Edgar-

probability and existentialism

2005-10-13T18:29:00.000-05:00

I read up a little more on Existentialism this afternoon. The one concept that stuck out like a sore thumb was that it did not acknowledge the existence of God, which is why any judgement that would ever befall us (from what I gather about Sartrean Existentialism) is completely dependent upon the kinds of choices we make/actions we perform. I like that it gives us a sense of responsibility for our own actions. However, as far as I go, God plays a huge role in what I've become.

My Davey and I speak about, what it is to be human, what it is to have choices, and what it is to establish oneself in the world. I always like when we get into these topics. He always brings it back to the basics, and never lets anything cloud his argument.

I ask him if I aggravate him when I ask him all these questions. He assures me that I don't. I hope you enjoy reading our conversation. It's quite humorous at times- well at least to me it is.

One of the most important topics we discussed:
"I'm just concerned that who we are is just a product of what many would call the 'brain-wash' that is a private school education."

Davey reminds me that we are built Ford tough: ;p
"WE came from Epiphany, not the whole world- and a lot of times it clashes with what we became there....and we're outnumbered by nimrods."

However, he maintains:
"We always have a choice. Look at Javi and Baldo...they grew up with us and they're on some b.s. They made the choice."

I inquire:
"Do you think that our spirit as individuals plays into those choices?"

He went on to ask me if I had done something wrong because apparently, it sounded like I had done something wrong and was looking for a scapegoat in the way were were brought up. On the contrary, I told him that this discussion was only making me more sure of my place in this world because I was being reminded of where I came from.
He says:
"We're not better than anyone else. We're just us, and we happen to be decent people" answering my question in a roundabout fashion...not very David of him to do. This makes me think of probability and existentialism simultaneously....hahaha. What are the chances of a class of 8 kids in the graduating class of 1997 all turning out alright based on their own choices? I decide that yes, our spirit (which we hope is rooted in truth and goodness) plays into my choices. Yes, Epiphany did heavily influence my identity, but I'm gonna be gutsy enough to speculate that if not identical, I would have been damn near close to what I am now had I attended, say...Corkery, the public school down the street from Epiphany. I see my thoughts are changing. This is because I am coming into my own.

We both agree:
"I'm just tired of bad things"

He admits:
"I've been broken, Nen. Trust has lost some of it's meaning. I honestly have trouble with it...Nen- you know everything about me- I've got nothing to hide."

We talk about how not to let bad things get to us. We talk about discernment and choice.
He says:
"Cookies and milk and cartoons over sex and coccaine on marble desks anyday. Twice on Sunday."

I ask him if he thinks were were really given a choice to form our own beliefs....
His answer is soaked with Catholic school-boy-ness, but I know that its source is genuine. I know he has thought about this carefully because his life has challenged him in ways that FORCED him to think about this.
He responds:
"I'm the only me in the history of the world...the only me the world will ever know. I will be me for other people...people I love...total strangers included. I'm ready to sacrifice myself for other good people in this world."

It pleases me to see that he appreciates his own life, that he is aware of what he has been given. I do not tell him this. It pleases me that out of the 8 kids that graduated from Epiphany in 1997, I can safely say that 2 of us turned out alright all because we've been busy establishing ourselves all along.

2005-10-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

Happy 25th Anniversary

2005-10-09T19:58:00.000-05:00

She says I can't ever really know where I will end up until I get there. She says "be ready for anything." I slowly begin to see that my mother is right. Bet she'd love to hear me say that. When I think about my life and the lives of those who closely surround me, it's clear that there are times when you surprise yourself, and times when others surprise you. There are dramatic moments that wake you up, but there are softer moments that are equally stimulating. However, time rolls by us and there's nothing we can do to hinder it. With that said, Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary to two very special people, Ferna and Joe. You probably won't ever read this, but I wish you all things good. I wish for you comfort, peace, and of course, love of the purest kind.

I wonder what that feels like....to wake up next to someone one day and think to yourself "wow- I've been faithfully married to you for 25 years of my life." I wonder what goes through your body, what goes through your mind. What does it take to get there safely? Take a look around, and it's depressing to see how many broken marriages and lives you'll find. People like Ferna and Joe....I wonder if they know they're a rarity as a couple. From what I know about them, they know what it's like to fight for one another. Their answer to "when is enough enough?" (from the flick The Mexican) will probably always be "never." What, besides love, is the source of that endurance?

Even though John Mayer pissed me off, I'll close with a few lines from one of my favorite of his songs, Home Life
"See, I refuse to believe that my life's gonna be just some string of incompletes...never to lead me to anything remotely close to a home life- Been holding out for the home life my whole life. And I will tell you this much, I will marry just once. And if it doesn't work out, give her half of my stuff. It's fine with me...we said eternity..."

2005-10-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

YAY! FUCK YOU!

2005-10-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

mum is adorable :)

2005-10-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

lol...freekin mexicans

Edgar takes me to see my boyfriend's new movie.

2005-10-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

We went on a date tonight, Edgar and I. We went to go see A History of Violence and then went for a romantic dinner at Wendy's drive-thru. :0
I have a blast with that man. We're always laughing, always kissing- we give each other spirit. I'm glad the past events of my life have led me to him. Sometimes when we go through pain, and we ask God "why?" and we feel like he doesn't give us an answer....He does- you just have to be patient enough to see it, or feel it.

All in all, this year has been WAY better for me than last year. Most importantly, I learned a whole shit-load about myself. That won't ever stop, but I needed to go through some changes before I was ready for my life to move forward. And now, I welcome change....(a big move for a creature of habit such as myself.)

Fall break...finally....a little rest. :)
To close, I'll leave you with some words from Sarah McLachlan:
"I believe this is heaven to no one else but me. And I'll defend 'long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to- would you try to understand?"

QOTD
"There's a DVD player that matches too but I just stole Sham's because he has a ps2 and because I do what I want."
-Mairead-

"I try to be politically correct here. It gets old."
-Meghan-

"Are we gonna spend the rest of our lives together?"
-Edgar- (he makes me melt...)

JUAN'S VIP QOTD:
"Good ol' Pilsen, is there anything you can't do? OH YEAH, keep the innocent ones alive."

"How long have you two winged monkeys been together now?" (abt me and edgar.)

"I don't know what my problem is. OH YEAH, impotence."

"I'm curious, how many profile views do you have? I have 3,000 and I wanna know if that's a good number for someone that doesn't have breasts."

"You misspelled hate. It's L-O-V-E." (this, after I told him I hated him!!)

little ways

2005-10-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

I looked around today and saw all the little ways my parents love me. The kitchen, for example is chock-full of all the things I love to eat- they could just as easily buy things that satisfy them, but they don't. They never do. My mother once told me she'd rather go without than have any of her children wanting. I believe her because I see her try. This morning my mother told me I was all grown up. The look in her eyes and the tone in her voice suggested resistance, but, it was a melancholy resistance that I knew she knew wouldn't win.

To love someone in little ways is sometimes the best way to make them see it. Today, I will think of all the little ways I know that I am loved.

QOTD
"I've got a mullet now, I can do whatever the hell I want."
-Edgar-

"Oh that sucks...I would miss me too."
-Erika-

"It has come to our attention that since New Orleans smells very badly, we should all pitch in and send you there, so that people that are subjected to your smell should not have to suffer anymore. We figure that in New Orleans, you would fit right in. Not only that, but since you rarely bathe down, there you could do it in the funk waters and not lose your distinct odor. So, if you are interested in relocating, let us know."
-Luis- (my brother is a catastrophe, but I adore him.)

"Dear Female Heart"

2005-09-30T13:01:00.000-05:00

Dave says we're all crazy. I try so hard to negate him on that, but nothing is ever enough to change his mind. Maybe that's for a reason, maybe I have something to learn from that.

I wonder about the kind of woman that will make him say otherwise. I wonder what she's like, and what it'll be about her that makes him say she's worth it. He says that right now, he wants to do what he wants to do and that a girlfriend would only be a pesky distraction- that she'd call him to talk about what kinds of shoes she saw at the mall, that she'd call him crying for no reason and that he wouldn't know what to do about it. And all the while, I'm thinking....that's what you say now. That is until I realize the obvious- He is a man. He has no reason to lie to me and he could only be honest with me cause I'm like his sister. But oh the things he told me about what many men think about women, and how primal it all is really would've left me hopeless had I not already been exposed to that mode of thought growing up with 4 brothers. I knew better than to believe him all the way.

What do women want? How do women function? Why the massive emotions? Sometimes, I wish I could be more stoic for my own sake. Sometimes...oh sometimes I wish I could just not give a damn about every little thing cause Dave says that us women, we let our emotions get the best of us, and he's right. Because of that, because everything is so goddam emotional, we suffer. I'm not talking about just romance either, I'm talking the whole shebang. Family, we suffer. Work, we suffer. Friends, we suffer. What the hell?

I wonder about women and what one can consider- what I would consider a good woman, a good wife, a good mother/sister/aunt/niece/girlfriend etc. Why does Dave say most women are pains in the ass? I don't believe all women are (many really truly are, though) but as he spoke and I listened, I began to validate his perspective and I couldn't help but think...man...he's got a point. Maybe this is why I can't keep a female "best friend." GOD I HATE THE TERM BEST FRIEND. Maybe to some degree, women can't even stand each other. How fucked up is that if that's the case?

This only made me yearn for more strength. I don't want to be that needy little girl. I want to be a pillar. I don't want to be that 7th daughter that everyone expects perfection out of, I want to be treated like I am 22 and responsible, because I am. What makes a good woman? What does it take to come out of catastrophes, heartaches, rifts and tumults and only be better for it? There's this one poem that I always tell myself to remember when I feel like shit, but I never do. It's dead on, man.

DEAR FEMALE HEART
By: Steve Smith

Dear female heart, I am sorry for you.
You must suffer, that is all you can do.
But if you like, in common with the rest of the human race,
You may also look most absurd with a miserable face.

It's short, but it's dead on. Personally speaking, sometimes I wonder about my heart. Two years ago, one of my coworkers once told me (this is translated from Spanish) "Oh Jenny, you know what your problem is? Your little heart, you have the heart of a chicken." lol...what she told me that meant was that my heart was so full, but that it was so malleable because all I could ever do was love. She made me out to sound vulnerable, and I hated it.

But when my heart loves, that bitch loves HARD and you won't ever see me so protective over anyone that I don't love. I can't help but love people all the way. I am very all or nothing and I'll be the first to admit it. If you're not gonna do something 100%, then why the hell bother to do it at all? I once started a family fued protecting someone that I loved. But does this make me a weak woman? Or does this make me a good family member?
This is not so much a question of myself as it is a general curiosity about the female race. I wonder about us.
My conclusion? I conclude that all it takes is thorough self discovery and mastery of fear. I met a Zen master for a reason this summer.

One last poem to drive the point home. It's short, don't worry.

This one's by Maria Wine, it's called Woman, you are afraid of the Forest:

Woman, you are afraid of the forest-
I see it in your eyes when you stare into the darkness:
The terrified look of a defenceless creature

Woman, you are a forest strange and deep:
I see you are afraid of yourself.

But, as Dr. Sutter told me on Wednesday as I walked out of her office: "Ok, no more fears!"
Granted, she was talking about my terror of statistics, but it's a fear nonetheless and it's JUST what I was talking about in this blog. Man, fuck the po-lice. Wait- no, screw them too!
But, screw fear even more. Fear is meant to be mastered and there was my lesson.

QOTD
"It doesn't always come back to money, Nen. As long as we can laugh...we're already millionaires."
-David-

Not the scissors!!!

2005-09-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

Since yesterday, I've had a very unsettling feeling. I'm not really one to have premonitions, but it's that kind of doomish feeling, like something is about to go terribly wrong.
I hope I'm the one that's wrong. I hope it's my mind playing tricks on me.

I couldn't focus today during one of my favorite classes. I feel so nervous and there's no reason for it.

My mother went scissor crazy on my hair this morning. After we went to Sam's Club at the crack of dawn, I dropped her off at the shop and she decided my hair needed to be thinned out some more. I did not protest, and I stopped paying attention. BIG MISTAKE.

Because I am her daughter, she think of my head as a big ol experiment, so she just goes with it sometimes. So my hair is short (shorter than before) and I am sad cause now my neck must suffer through a cruel winter. I'm not crazy about the style either, but that could just be bc I haven't run a flat iron through it yet. Ask any woman or any gay (or metrosexual) man and they will tell you the importance of a flat iron.

On my way up to one of my classes today, I overheard some tool use the word "ricockulous" and try to get away with it. You could tell he was just testing the word out 'cause it sounded so idiotic coming out of his mouth. In fact, no one should ever use that word if they want to avoid sounding like total tools.

Holy crackers I need to go lay down.

They Don't Mean That Much To Me Right Now

2005-09-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

I found some poetry that I wrote last year and it was so grim I couldn't believe the contrast to where I am now. Polar opposite.

Let me ask you something-
When it comes to friendships that you had hoped to maintain, but just couldn't, when do you (how do you) know when to let things be? I have a problem with not confronting conflicts with friends and family when they arise for fear of that friction that follows...you know...that nasty pit in your stomach that signals that there could be a horrible fight. I have to stop believing in the what-if factor, it really sets me back with people.

I'm having a hard time letting go of a friendship that meant so very much to me. Some would say that I made the choice to let it go a year ago when I did not adress the problem that arose, but I was soooo scared, that instead, I did nothing but let everything fade, including the friendship. I have not talked to this person in a bit over a year. I was told that if anything, it should be easier to come to those you're already close to if you have beef with them cause they already love you and sometimes they just don't have the courage to say anything themselves.

For almost a year now, I've been getting tossed back and forth between sadness, regret, bitterness, anger and so forth, and now, I realize that that only happens cause I don't have any answers. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED according to that friend. I know what happened according to me...but what does she think?

Why the fuck is it so hard for women to be friends sometimes? Why can't there be established a sisterly bond as easily as men establish a fraternal link with one another? I don't consider myself catty; I crave more quality female frienships. I appreciate the female friends I have, don't misread my pee, (Simpsons allusion for those of you who are cool.) But, is it wrong for me to crave more closeness?

QOTD
"Cats like it when you talk sexy to them."
-Edgar-

ME: Shut up!! ::giggle::
EDGAR: Do you want me to look sexy while I'm shutting up?

"I can't talk....let me close this door here- sometimes I can't talk."
-Fr. Costigan-

"Yeah, but Edgar gets to keep you forever."
-Liz-

"Yeah, I didn't expect one of your NON-ME friends to be that cool. Nice job!"
-Juan-

"Oh, to be that guitar..."
-Lilly being perverted about John Mayer-

2005-09-23T03:23:00.000-05:00

LMAO!!! NUFF SAID!!!

2005-09-23T03:22:00.000-05:00

My friends are retarded.

2005-09-23T03:21:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend is no longer mistaken for a white boy now that he got some sun. Look how adorable he is!! Except you, Oliver, you keep your Asian eyes to yourself!!

2005-09-23T03:19:00.000-05:00

The caption could go sooo many ways for this picture. I should have a contest.

2005-09-23T03:18:00.001-05:00

2005-09-23T03:18:00.000-05:00

Picture from our recent trip to Douglas, Michigan

"TREMENDOUS!"

2005-09-18T23:26:00.000-05:00

A big ol FU*K YOU and damnation to hell goes out to the animals that mugged my love. May you get killer lice, I hope you NEVER have children (what a shame that would be) and I hope you die a slow painful death.

Last day at the wreck known as the Olive Garden was on Saturday. Oh Olive Garden- the place where cheap trash bring their friends, families, and lovers and think they're taking them someplace nice. I will miss most of the people that worked with me though. They got me a little card and they wrote sweet messages in it. God bless them for subjecting themselves to such hell. Lord knows I did it for 3.5 years.

Friday night at work, I got hit on by a guy at one of my tables. It was a funny thing, really. He nervously asked me (while his mother stood 4 ft away) if he could give me a call sometime. I politely rejected the request. I think there is an air of confidence that people have when they're in a relationship that just gleams; in contrast (I'm speaking for myself) I've noticed that when you actually want a relationship but can't get a decent one to save baby monkeys, your confidence is not so vibrant and it shows. This can also be the case when you're messed up from a bad relationship or a relationship that ended bad. Confidence levels plummet. And I don't know anyone that likes to be with an insecure, indecisive assclown boy/girlfriend. Lucky for me, Edgar is not insecure, indecisive, OR an assclown.

Also, lucky for me that the man can cook. He made me a beautiful breakfast of cinammon pancakes, toast, and these rockstar eggs with onions, tomatos, and green peppers!

My mother's birthday was a good time. We went to the hood to a restaurant called Mi Tierra. Being in the hood only makes me so happy that my mother took us outta there.

Read below to see the wonderful idiosyncracies of Father Costigan. I want to be like him! He's the Toby Dye of this semester. Toby Dye was hands down my favorite prof. at Loyola just cause he wore tye dye shirts and swore in class when the computers froze up. At any rate, I think I'm gonna start saying "tremendous" when I like something- just cause Father C. sounds so cool saying it.

QOTD
"Pa-ra-meee-cium? Must be some kind of virus."
-Father Costigan- (after reading a sticker on Ian's notebook. no biology for theology majors back in 1893, huh, Father?)

"I need to learn how to stop holding hands cause in a couple of years, I'm gonna be allowed to walk home from school by myself."
-Alexis- (on hand holding while crossing the street)

"Thanks for fanning the flames of hatred."
-Juan- (after hearing about Edgar's mugging)

"You always stump my creativity!"
-Lilly-

"I'll stab a nig*er tomorrow for Edgar.....I better stab four, just in case."
-Juan-

"That's just exaggeration! You're just like George Bush- you know, with the hating black people and everything."
-Lilly-

Father Costigan, You Rock.

2005-09-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

Fu*k yeah, the fall is coming. However, my hopes of having a yellow-red-gold-and-orange scenic fall have been crushed by the cold hard truth that we had very little rain this summer, thus, the leaves are just gonna fall and be colorless. That makes me yearn for hot chocolate and cookies- don't ask why.

I totally saw Art Norman the other day outside of the NBC tower. He was talking to two A for Asians. His voice carried like a mo-fo, you could tell he was a news reporter even in everyday conversation. I wonder how annoying that is for his friends and family- for him to talk to them as if he's delivering ground-breaking news every time.

Lolo came to visit me at school yesterday. We ate at the buffet at Carmen's and we ate A LOT. Yes, their food DOES suck, but when you're hungry, anything is tasty.

Got to school late today. The frackin trains kept stopping every five minutes, and then I'd hear those stupid beeps, followed by that voice you love to hate "we are experiencing equipment difficulties. the conductor is off of the train. we regret the delay- we will be moving shortly."
And I think to myself "MOTHER F-ER." Sho nuff, I got to school to late to not be embarrassed when I walked through the door. So, to save face, I came to the computer lab, printed out some documents I needed for class, and am now blogging. Student of the year, everyone, student of the year.

LMAO OMG yesterday, I had my Christian thought class. The teacher, Father Costigan, is like 1,000 years old but he is cool as hell. I wore my Incubus t-shirt to school yesterday and I'm so glad I did. As he was beginning to lecture on Gnosticism, I noticed his gaze drift to my t-shirt (don't be pervs) and all of a sudden he goes "In-cubus ey?"
I could not contain my laughter and neither could the rest of the class. He asked me if I knew what Incubus meant then went on to give a detailed explanation about the Incubus and the Succubus and how one's on the bottom and the other is always on top. Then I was like, "It's my favorite band" to which he replied "OH IT'S A BAND?!" lololol Father Costigan, you rock!

Insert Happy Birthdays Here:
Happy Birthday Haley!!!! (9/13)
Happy Birthday Cindy and Sandy!!! (9/14)
Happy Birthday Momma!!! (9/18)

Ok, I'm gonna go buy some peanut butter cookies, cheetos, and a coke from the vending machine. Toodles.

QOTD
"Anybody have any thoughts about it? Really- I don't have any thoughts about it."
-Father Costigan- (on a handout he gave us)

A Bit About Allison the Amazing Ass Grabber

2005-09-13T01:46:00.000-05:00

There's a new song by Staind that completely rocks my globe. It had been a while since I had heard anything from them, but I've always enjoyed their music.

Been babysitting my nieces bc my sister is in the hospital. Motherdom (i do believe i've just made up a word) is difficult! (I didn't want to use the word motherhood bc it's "unamusing.") I hope you are ready, Sherly!
p.s. to my readers, Sherly has decided to name her baby (who is due to be born on MY birthday [12-22] Samantha. If you think she should really be naming the baby Nenninator in my honor, leave obnoxious comments in the comment section telling her how cool of a name Nenninator is. I'll also take Nen-Thrax (courtesy of OJ), Nentendo (courtesy of Liz), Nenners (courtesy of Lolo), Nensicle, and especially Nenliet (courtesy of Kate.)

**Allison, thank you for your comment. I miss you. No one can grab my ass the way you do, not even Edgar. (just kidding baby, I'm just telling her that so she'll call me.) ;p Allison, don't read the sentence within the parentheses.**

People whose sodium levels are low are hella funny.

Dave Reiter, I am publically apologizing to you for forgetting to bring you that soup. I really do feel horrible about it. YOU FORGIVE NOW! Oh wait, you're one of my white friends, I have yet to address my Asian friends. I take that Asian-like demand for forgiveness back.

Why is it so damn fun to rip on Asians? It's so fun, even Asians do it!

Would the people who are trying to advertise soap, blogs, and other semi-useless (with the exception of soap, of course) items stop leaving your dumbass comments on my blog! That right is reserved for cool people. And if you're not cool, I don't even care about you.

These are my late-night, sleep-deprived, stressed out ramblings. I hope you've been amused at my expense. SHIT, you BETTER be, I'm up extra late writing this for you. Not only should you be amused, you should be paying me. Kidding! No I'm not.

QOTD
"What?! That's MY illness!"
-Lilly being territorial about Pericarditis.-

"What if in Titanic, the girl's name was Mendez? Never let go, Mendez! Never let go!"
-Miles-

"You can just call me uncle-daddy."
-Grinslade-

"Did I just cross the line into sexy-hood?"
-Edgar, right after an unexpected French kiss-

"We're not twins! You're fat!"
-Carlos-

"Sorry I treat your face like an amusement park."
-Edgar-

And the sweet quote of the day......
"I just smile when I realize what's in front of me."
-(who else?) Edgar-

1-2 Step? I think Not.

2005-09-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

The fall is coming and I can't wait. I like the feeling of that first day in late September when you walk out in the morning and you can see the warmth of your breath against the cool air. That sight sends me somewhere else. What makes that sight even better are the colors- the beautiful, rich colors on the trees. Sure, I miss seeing the green foliage, but the yellows, reds, and golds mesmerize me like the greens can never do.

I'm quite excited about having quit my job now. For a minute there, I was scared because I don't really have anything lined up. Now, I just can't wait to see where I'm headed.

On the train yesterday morning, I heard two little girls, about 8 and 9 singing "1-2 Step" by Ciara word for word. I mean, they knew ALLLLL of the words. Melodically, they did a fantastic job. However, I did worry at the thought of the content of the songs these kids learn. It brought to mind something my mom always used to say to us whenever she heard us singing songs we knew like the backs of our hands. She'd say "why don't you learn a prayer instead?" She always chuckled when she said it, but I knew what she meant by it.

Instead of memorizing something as useless as the words to "1-2 Step," these little girls could be memorizing the goddam preamble, or the first 25 elements, shit...anything but that song or other songs that are like it. Don't get me wrong, it's catchy, and Ciara is talented in her own right, but kids should not be spending their time learning the words to a meaningless song. We can bring up the issue of their parents, but that opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ok, enough for today. Coffee with my Mariana today, perhaps? I hope so!! Miss you!!
P.S. TO FRANKIE...You weasel, if you read this, ANSWER MY EMAIL.

The Jobless Nenninator

2005-09-08T01:59:00.000-05:00

Quit my job the other day. My last day is on my mother's birthday, 9/18. Four more shifts, and I'm out. All of this came after a very thought-inducing Labor Day weekend, and Edgar's suggestion to surprise myself.
I'll miss a few people there, but mostly everyone is gone.
Kate, Sherly, Megs, Brad, Allison- you made such a difference in the work atmosphere, and you are all sorely missed by me.

School started last week and I'm pretty happy with my classes for the most part. I'll be done with all of this by December. Edgar is surprised that I'm not more excited. It's not that I'm not excited, it's just that I'm scared. Lilly and I were talking about our degrees and we decided that a bachelors degree in Psychology is relatively worthless. Hence, I am not as excited as I am scared to graduate.

Man am I hungry. I haven't eaten since this afternoon and I came home and went straight to sleep and awoke to the unpleasant sounds of familial dysfunction. It happens. Some people are just better at concealing it.

Ok, homework time. Sorry I've neglected you for a few weeks- won't happen again.

p.s. Go see The March of the Penguins. It's a phenomenal flick!!

QOTD
"There are some thoughts that should remain thoughts."
-Lilly-

"Baaaby....you've gotta surprise yourself, ya know?"
-Edgar-

"I don't know why my ass is so ticklish. Maybe it's my defense against homosexuality."
-Edgar-

I need a herrr cut

2005-08-31T20:34:00.000-05:00

Owwww my stomach hurts.

Overall, today was a pretty good day. I think my clock is off though because in my head I'm getting to my classes with like 3 minutes to spare, but when I get there, I'm the Mexican that always walks in late.

After about a month of neglecting my baby, I finally gave her a bath. While I would have loved to wax her sexy ass, I was just too tired, or lazy, you pick.
I noticed like 4 other scions in the parking lot at school and I was hella pissed. Last semester there was only ONE and it belonged to my buddy John. Now these biters want to be like us.
Speaking of John, I ran into his Mexican ass this morning. He was waiting for me in the parking structure and I made fun of him for carrying around his little art supplies like a yuppie poser.
Because he is John (one of my ONLY Mexican friends at Loyola) and because he drives a Scion, I forgave him and we walked to Damen Hall. I have yet to run into three of my favorite Loyola friends, Candace, Perla, and of course, my sweet Annie!

I'm so hungry, I could even eat at Arby's. AND woah, that's damn near starvation if I'll eat there! Mama made enchiladas this morning; however, she did burn them.....JERK. ;p jk

My dad always says some very proufound and emotional things right when you don't expect him to say anything. Last night, I had a very much needed conversation with my parents in which I expressed to them that I felt stifled and not at home in my own home.
My dad, after a while...he sat there, looked at me and said (in Spanish) "We won't always have each other. We should try to be a part of each other's lives NOW when it counts, NOW while we can." I felt guilty for not being around as much these last few months.

It almost feels as if I've been neglecting them, and they noticed, but they just didn't say anything. Then I had a Jan Brady moment where I was like "ok, but you need to grow up sooner or later and they need to accept that" then the other part of me was like "yeah, but you're never home anymore." (You know in the movie where she has a mini-argument with herself?) lol I'm not a crazy bitch like her, but you know what I mean.

Well, I should put some pants on and go move Midnight from under the tree in the driveway. Trees=shitting birds=dirty car=angry driver cause she just washed it.

QOTD
"Why did the old geezer write 5000 a.d. instead of 500 a.d.?"
-Fr. Costigan talking about himself-

"I don't have boobs big enough to stare at."
-Amanda-

"You have a bleach pen?!? Man! That's hardcore!"
-Kyle- (I'm still trying to figure out why Eric's bleach pen excited him so much.)

"HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER?" ARGGGGH!!!

2005-08-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

Apparently, this is the question to ask around here, even when you don't care to know the answer. It's the worst conversation starter in the universe in my opinion. Why? Because we are broke ass college students (or grads) who probably only worked or sat around this summer. Plus, you're only asking it 'cause you have nothing important to say and you can't enjoy the silence! In my second class, I must have heard 4 people ask each other that in the most unenthused tones of voice. HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER?! NO ONE CARES.
(This could possibly be the reason why I've only made about 5 friends at Loyola throughout 4 years, just thought I'd throw that out there.)

If anyone I go to school with reads this post, please, refrain from asking me this question and I will refrain from punching you in your respective no-no areas.

On a funny note, the freshman girls have made a spectacle of themselves as they do every year. I don't have to ask them if they are freshman. I know they're freshman because they come to school in the skankiest heels, the raunchiest minis, and the tops that display the most cleavage.
Heels are to be worn on special occassions, not to the first day of class. That is- unless you're intending to seduce any professors for the purpose of getting A's. In which case, skank away!!

The rest of us normal folk are here in comfortable ass shoes and casual slacks/skirts and tops.
Lolo, Liz....I wish you were both here to help me mock the baby skanks.

I have managed (as I do every year) to take a hobo-ish U-Pass photo this year. For those of you who don't know, the U-Pass is a little transit card that allows us to travel freely on the CTA busses and trains. One's photo appears on the U-Pass, and my photo just happens to make me look like my name is Camby-Lynn from Alabama who can't afford a dental plan. My teeth appear to be protruding from my mouth in 3-d fashion, and I couldn't look any goofier. It's classic humor, really. My own mother looks forward to looking at my U-Pass every year JUST to get a good laugh. Seeing as how this is my last U-Pass, I'm sure she'll be pleased in knowing that this just might be the funniest one.

Edgar and I went to breakfast this morning before I went to school/he went to work. It was so pleasant. I enjoy being with him so much! My future is going to be so bright :)

Well, I'll come back later and post some QOTDs from the weekend. There aren't that many. Don't get all hyped up my babies!! Now, I must treck boldly into the world of numbers....sigh...math makes my feet sad.

The Movement

2005-08-24T03:22:00.000-05:00

I like moments that just happen. I like profound conversations that are just eased into, not forced.

The floor in my room is barely visible. I should really clean up, but I don't have the will. The mess is really getting to me, though. It's quite frustrating to have to walk around things to get to my bed. Why don't I just do it? Well, you see, I've psychologized the situation and I think that the mess in my room (which extreeeemely surpasses any mess I've ever seen before) is my own outcry to myself!!

I've maintained this disorderly atmosphere in my room in order to push myself out. Davina says some people have to be pushed out of "comfortable" but detrimental work settings, I think the same applies for the home setting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not like, getting beat or neglected, lol. However, I feel like I am riding against the current. I feel like the more I try to venture out, the less I am received well by those that have surrounded me. I am not being let go of. I appreciate the clingy-lovey part of it, but I don't appreciate the unwillingness to perceive how it might hurt me, the unwillingness to see that as bumpy and undeveloped an adult I may be, I AM still an adult.

I'm going through all sorts of changes now and only a few people are rooting me on. Edgar says that I am at a great spot in my life because there is only room for improvement. I can see why he'd say that. He embraces change more easily than I could ever hope to. Change baffles me though; they leaves me dumbfounded and bitter, especially when I don't think things should change.

I sat and thought again, about the people that have left my life, and this time, instead of feeling sadness, I felt anger. I felt as if the time I spent with them was pointless if all they would end up doing is leave anyway. Then what's the point of being so damned selective if the bonds that we form as human beings can be so paper thin? Who's to say my own damn mother wouldn't leave me? I mean, she will leave me in death, or I will leave her in death, but at least I know that shit's coming. Death is not nearly as sorrowful to me as when someone leaves your life by choice.

And what about the people that I have left behind myself? I think about that too! What have I made them feel? What is there to say about the relationships I held with people I walked away from? Why would those people just LET me go? Aren't you supposed to fight for what you love? What if letting go was an act of love?

As you can see, if you've stayed with me through all of this, I am full of questions. I am at a toss up here. I told Edgar that I felt as if I had jumped off of a high cliff and I was not done falling yet. What he said in response struck me and will probably stay with me until I get where I should be. He said, "yes, you may be falling, but there is movement." This is the movement I was so blind to needing before. This is the movement I will have no matter how hard it proves to be. This time is mine.

Thoughts From a Two Hour Journey

2005-08-21T02:32:00.000-05:00

THESE ARE THINGS THAT CROSSED MY MIND AS WE DROVE HOME FROM URBANA.

*I like clouds that seem to go for miles.

*I hate being MISUNDERSTOOD.

*I like the sun on my face.

*Being ill at ease can affect your whole day- throw you off center.

*I should always carry a pen & a notebook with me.

*Sometimes lonely suits me better.

*I wish I was somewhere, flat on my back, watching the sky flow past me, watching its perfect display in silence.

*Peace seems so far away.

*I opine that perfect weather is anywhere from 75-77 degrees Farenheight.

*Sometimes, when it seems like all I ever do is cry, I get the urge to run.

*Roadkill surprisingly saddens me.

*Muscle & antique cars amuse me; I want one.

*Fleetwood Mac kicks all sorts of musical arse, as does Stevie Wonder.

*If Illinois were a woman, it would be comparable to a flat chested gymnast. We need more hills and mountains. Who can we see to get that rolling?

*I feel broken.

*I need my monthly dose of David.

*A hot air balloon must be taken before I die.

*I wish it was November. November always makes me smile.

*I like the circus.

*I hate, hate, hate being patronized.

*My father washed my work clothes to me, and for that, he wins at life.

*Posers reeeeeeeaalllly irk me.

QOTD
"You're narrow in your concept of candy!"
-Laura-

"Yeah, see, that doesn't work...is one of those friends you?"
-Frankie on me only having a couple of friends.-

"BUDDY?!?? Apparently you think I'm one of your lady friends."
-Miles-

"No! I don't like your beard! It's stupid!"
-Old lady at work- (old couples kwak me up)

"Why does she want to talk to me? I'm not even nice!"
-Davina-

"I got a dollar, but you've got no concept of time! Sucks to be you!"
-Kyle- (venting about getting a crappy tip)

"Como vas con el papi chulo? Because I want you broken with him."
-Oscar- (guess which language he speaks more of?)

"Mendez, are you kind of a ho? Or are you a good girl?"
-Nick N.-

"George, I will BREAK YOUR GLASSES!"
-Arby-

"My grandfather told me to only get married when there's nothing else to do with my life."
-Bill-

"His shitballs are THIS big!"
-Davina-

"Oh, hey, hey, hey....I have to save my people."
-Oliver- (he said this as he picked all of the yellow gummi bears out of a bag. Yes, he's Asian)

"Can you stop doing it on top of me?!"
-Davina- (yelling at me and Arby)

TURD FERGUSON

2005-08-18T14:10:00.000-05:00

::Thank you for the pin. You know how much Turd Ferguson makes me laugh::

If you all don't know where Turd Ferguson is from, then you need to watch you some Saturday Night Live Jeopardy skits.

It's been raining out since I woke up and I'm glad for it. We've needed rain like this.

Congratulations to my Lilly on getting a job!! The little shit got the first job she applied for. Now, that's some divine intervention right there! Good for you, Lolo. I'm proud and happy for you!!! :p Now you can spend money on me.

I have to be at work in an hour and a half. Boo!!! Work is for lames.

I got hit on by a senior citizen the other day at breakfast. He was making eyes at me and then he came over and told me I had a hearty appetite. Good to know I've still got charm with men that are old enough to know Jesus.

Edgar and I went apt. hunting for him yesterday. He's excited! I hope it all works out well for him. He needs his space.

I've been contemplating that myself. I need to move out of my house. It's getting to that point where I feel suffocated. Sometimes the homelife does that to you.

QOTD
"Stay over here where we can see you. The creature from the black lagoon might get you. I mean, the green lagoon. Wait, that's not even a lagoon."
-Randy-

"Come on! Prove it! Whip it out!"
-Lilly- (that crazy bitch thinks her weenis is bigger than mine.)

"Inappropriate punctuation is fun!"
-Lilly-

"Did you find him on man-t.v.?!"
-Edgar- (I told him I have another boyfriend)

"When I have nothing to do, I pet my cactus."
-Edgar-

Slippery Dick

2005-08-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

We went to the Shedd Aquarium yesterday afternoon. It was me, Edgar, his momma, and his brother. We were standing there looking at one of the exhibits, when I look down to see a picture of a fish with the name "slippery dick." Supposedly, there were fish in that tank named slippery dicks.

I was like, "Aww hell naw!!!" and I waved Edgar over and pointed down at it. He started cracking up, and naturally, he took a picture of it. Next thing you know, his mom looks down at it, and we all walked away laughing like a bunch of 13 year-old boys. But I mean, come on!!! There are people out there who discover these fish and name them, and it is plain to see that someone went a little overboard with their rights to name this poor aniumal. Those poor fish are probably wondering why humans stand there pointing and laughing as they swim by.

All in all, I'd have to say I liked the penguins the best.
And may I suggest that before the summer ends, my readers take themselves to the lakefront by the Shedd and the Planetarim. We live in a breathtaking city, take advantage.

On to the subject of napping. Napping is quite the phenomenon is I may say so myself. During the schoolyear, you can find me napping like no other for hours on end. It's ridiculous how much I love it! Edgar and I got to his house after dinner at around 7pm and we napped for a few hours. When we wake up, we're always pretty goofy. I don't know what's so funny after waking up, but we crack up like we're being tickled. I guess naps just have that relaxing effect.

Well, I have to go shower now because I'll probably head over to Niles to visit Lilly. Poor girl has no friends out there because Niles is for jerks and lesbians. Naturally, I have to be nice and visit her. Bring her some tales from the big city...you know how I do. ;p

QOTD
"Patricia put an M-16 up my ass!"
-Carmen-

"Loliver Ogman."
-Lilly-

Caribbean Queen....ya'll remember that song?

2005-08-12T01:12:00.000-05:00

My workplace has become a sea of foreign ass faces.
Everyone's new, and most of them suck. Some of them are nice, though, and they are not lazy, which is important enough, I guess.

After work, Ollie, Reiter, and Arbuckle sat with me at Friday's; Ollie and I stuffed our faces and the other two drank like the booze-hounds that they are! ;p
Tonight reminded me of the old crew. Tonight, I felt comfortable sitting there with my pals making fun of people we don't like.

I realize now more than ever that I have to be successful. I have to make a name for myself.
I have to up my ambition and my desire for something better exponentially.
Yeah, waiting tables may help me make car payments and pay for school, but damn it all, it also makes you want to be more. Some people choose to make a career out of it, and you know what, more power to them, I won't bash them. But there are some people that simply don't belong in that industry because they're worth so much more.

Mark my words, man. I'm gonna be something big one day. I'm gonna live comfortably, even if I have to work incessantly to get there. As long as I am proud and happy making that living, I'll do it.

QOTD
"I prefer to call it 'make love.'"
-Reiter-

"Can I just somehow take my ass and stamp it on your paper and you can just post it on your quote of the day?"
-Ollie-

Someone Should Come Clean My Room

2005-08-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

I suppose I forgot to tell you all that my broke ass does not have a cell phone anymore. I'm working on getting a new one. However, paying for Midnight, school, and credit card debts does take precedence. I do feel naked without my phone. :(

Many of you were interested in knowing exactly what my rude ass little cousin said the other night. I would love to sell him out right here, but that would be wrong. I would, however, sell him out on a one on one basis. Just give me a call and....oh yeah....I don't have a cell phone. Smoke signals....send smoke signals.

I bet you all have certain family members that you'd just like to punch in the jugular everytime they open their mouths. Please, do tell me about them, so we can consider forming some sort of alliance that facilitates marginalizing pain in the ass family members. There is strength in numbers, people!

Sandy and I went to lunch at Mother's Day restaurant today. We both ordered the Monte Cristo deluxe meal. Neither of us liked the dish, but I managed to cram one half of the sandwich into my mouth. Sandy took one bite and hated it. She was hesitant to return it, but I was like "We are not paying for something that you did not like or eat. Get something else." I thought to myself that it would be O.K. to do that since she did not eat all the meat and say she did not like it like certain guests do at the O.G. When I told the waitress that she did not like the food, she takes the dish away, comes back, and goes "Do you want this taken off your bill? 'Cause I talked to them about it (I'm guessing "them" = her managers) and they said it's not our fault 'cause that's how we make it." Technically, she was right and so were the "them." Nonetheless, having worked in the restaurant industry for three years, I find that I seldom encounter establishments (especially chain establishments) that don't practice the "the customer is always right" mantra. Privately owned restaurants most times don't give a shit if you don't come back for some reason. Those are the places that don't think twice about kicking you out if you're acting a-fool. Chain restaurants have made brats out of people, though. We got Sandy's dish taken off the bill.

We were very polite about returning the food, and of course, we felt bad. But she seriously did not like it. She disliked it so much that all she ordered after that was two pieces of toast. She said the food had grossed her out. Secretly, I was grossed out by the food too. I just tried to tough it out. I was full on soup and fries anyway. So, the moral of the story is: The "them" at Mother's Day won't take the blame for their food sucking, so don't order the Monte Cristo there. You want a killer Monte Cristo sammich, take your ass to BENNINGANS!!! The "Them" and the cooks there know how to make a mean Monte Cristo!!!

QOTD
"You're cold?! You loser!! Get fat! Then maybe you won't be so cold!"
-Marybeth- (we finally got the a.c. fixed at the o.g. yep...at summer's end)

"I don't know how she sits up in this chair. I'm hurtin'!! My thighs too big!"
-Receptionist at Loyola Medical Center complaining to us abt her badonk-a-donk-

"I knew she wasn't your daughter...ho."
-MC-

"I'm not supposed to be Mexican anymore! I gave that up a while ago!"
-Randy-

"It always makes me laugh! The fat girls at work are forever sweating!"
-Randy-

Ignorance is NOT Bliss, it's Just Plain Rude

2005-08-08T03:01:00.000-05:00

Today we speak in blurbs:

Edgar came with me to meet family that was in from Pakistan.

Family sits around table conversing with us.

Cousin from Pakistan, 13 year-old male, threatens my boyfriend the second he walked through the door.

Cousin's parents say and do nothing to stop their child from being so rude.

Cousin insults Edgar repeatedly.

Parents do nothing to stop him from running his mouth.

Jenny and Edgar boil inside, but bite their tongues- they realize that there exists a culture clash.

Jenny and Edgar leave that house in disbelief, but remember that they are dealing with a child.

Jenny apologizes to Edgar, and is embarrassed and ashamed at her family's behavior.

Both Jenny and Edgar wish they could have punched a certain someone.

Jenny regrets not speaking up, but knows that everything happens for a reason.

We realize that we are better than what could have been had we let this ignorance get under our skin.

QOTD
"Mendez, take a look at the hooters that are about to come through the door. They're huge! I mean, she could knock her kid over if turns around fast enough!"
-jeff-

"I like fruity stuff. I'm not fruity! But I do like fruity stuff."
-niko-

"Excuse my tits!"
-Carmen-

"I don't think I look like her....my nipples are hard!"
-Edgar- (notice how he wanders in conversation!)

"I'm late. You're gonna be a father."
-Lilly- (lol, yep, she was talking to me!)

DO A QUARTER!!! DO A QUARTER!!!

2005-08-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

I super miss a few people. At the top of the list: Meghan, Sherly, Allison, Roxie, and Brad.
I have been sporting the Dora the Explorer bag that Meg gave me last year. I like it, it reminds me of her. I don't mind that it is made for toddlers. ;p

Went to Steve's imfamous bowling night tonight. He leaves for Nashville next week and I had already been scolded for not attending bowling night before. We had a great time!! You'll see how great when I develop the incriminating pictures.

How archaic do I feel right now? I'm still developing film, damn it. I need me a digi-camera.
I saw some very sexy digital c's at Target, but as soon as I saw the prices, the cameras weren't so sexy anymore.

On a totally unrelated note, I want to congratulate my cute cousin Mariana for finally figuring out how to leave a comment on my blog. lol...I'm not laughing at her....it's just that...Ok, I'm laughing at her, but she's damn cute so we're still friends.

It freeks me out sometimes that I'm 22 years old. I remember being 8 and thinking that being 15 was being old. I remember being three and hiding in the cupboards closest to the floor in the kitchen....lol...there are pictures to prove that I fit in there! I remember being 5 and having a night-time ritual where my brother would be in the kitchen fixing himself a bowl of cereal (you know us Mexicanos, cereal is a food-group in itself for us!) and I'd wait there till he went upstairs to his room. He'd stand by the door, cereal in hand and say, "give me a kiss! (I'd kiss his cheek) Now give yourself a kiss! (I'd kiss my hand...lol...what a way to teach self-love!) Now run to bed before I shut off the light! (I was afraid of the dark!) He'd always wait for me to get to my bedroom before shutting off the kitchen lights and going upstairs. Now I'm about to be 23, the aforementioned brother is in his thirties and has two beautiful sons, and it all seems so out of whack sometimes! We all grow up.

If you're bored, in the comment section, leave me your earliest childhood memories. I'd like to hear about those! I have several...it's kinda weird!

Well, stay out of trouble this weekend, kids!

QOTD
"Hey! That's not any better! That's worse! They're bleeding now!"
-Davina talking about her ears-

"Hey, can I pick you up and carry you on my shoulders?"
-Miles-

"What are you gonna do for your birthday? Are you gonna go to Times Square and watch the ball drop?"
-Miles- (please understand that it was TOTALLY random of him to mention times sq.)

"There was never a bad shift with him. I even wanted to ask him to check his money for me one last time for old times sake. 'Come on, Brad! Do a quarter! Do a quarter!'"
-Jerry- (on missing Brad)

"Make sure you get my prominent cheek bones and my sturdy thighs."
-Reiter- (directing Oliver on how to draw him)

"I'm a towering 5'9" of Asian goodness!"
-Oliver-